Saturday, August 20, 2005

More Wholesome Inoffensive Goodness

1. "... Here we are now/Entertain Us/I feel stupid/And contagious..."

2. "Hey, just because you're married to Jerry Lee Lewis doesn't give you the right to criticize my piano-playing, missy!"

3. "I said she was one stiff pianist, what did you think I said?"

4. "Miss Bird? We're a little uncomfortable with these new lyrics to 'Candle in the Wind' you wrote for us... the ones that allude to your fantasy of shrimping Peter Jennings."

5. "All right children, now we're thisclose to getting the NEA grant. All I need you to do is, um, urinate on an American flag while singing deodorant jingles. Do you think you can manage that?"

6. "Okay, last recital, we did 'Constant Craving,' the one before that, we did 'Black Coffee' Now we're doing 'Miss Chataleine?' Miss Bird, care to come clean about your days as a k.d. lang groupie?"

7. "Miss Bird, may I make some suggestions? I think you should play the coda somewhat legato, it will give the hymn more grace and intimacy. Also, maybe it would work better without Billy's constant stream of shouted obscenities."

8. "Very nice rendition, Billy. But we're doing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus,' not 'Baby Got Back,' although your point about Brittany's fine. fine ass is well taken."

9. "O.K. Children, you'll be right behind the President. When you get to the line" of the pilgrim's pride", scream Allah Akbar and set off your bomb belts. Allah will reward you all in paradise."

10. "I'm a freak in heat/A dog without warning/My appetite is sex/cos,oh, me so horny/ Oh, Me so horny/Oh, me so horney/Me love you long time..."

Source of Wholesomeness


Jonathan said...

#1 and #10...priceless! Thanks, VK!

Jonathan said...

Being the only boy in the group, Billy is either "gay-in-training", or a damned genius when it comes to meeting chicks.

Van Helsing said...

I hope Miss Bird's Peter Jennings fantasies date from before he passed away, not afterwards.

Divine Miss M said...

In yet another attempt to sway the judge's opinion, Mrs. Love trots out the childhood photos taken long before her daughter Courtney took up all that rock and roll nonsense.