1. High fuel costs led to some major plot revisions to Dukes of Hazzard II.
2. Q. How do you know when a southerner's about to die? A. He says, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
3. "... and if the waters reject your body, then the test is positive." Lance Armstrong increasingly felt like the French were just on a witch hunt.
4. The boy scout's escape was made easier by the fact that Barney Frank's pants were around his ankles.
5. "How do you like me now, E.T.? Yeah! Dunked your sorry alien ass."