1. Paula Abdul misinterprets the American Idol producers' order to "never show your face around here again."
2. "And if you do not pay the ransom, your husband will be subject to the most unspeakable... yadda, yadda, yadda... I wonder what's on Oprah."
3. Traumatized by the close call, Ann Coulter adopted a new speech-giving outfit to prevent even a single molecule of pie from entering her mouth.
3. "If you want to see them alive, you will deliver the sum of ... oh, dear, it gets all blurry at this point. Oh, well... I always hated the little f**ks anyway."
4. Managing her multiple personalities became much easier once Fatima hit on the idea of leaving each other notes.
5. Fatime stared at the long-chain polymer ink molecules as they played in the fractal canyons of dried wood pulp... 'Damn, these are good 'shrooms...' she thought."**
6. "Industrial-Strength Vibro-Satiator my ass. Good thing I saved the receipt."
7. "A million dozen eggs, 2 lbs of Molson, a can of turkey, 36 packs of Oreos and 20 baskets of toilet paper.... Man, how stoned was I when I made this list?"
8. "'Dear Jewish Son of Pig and Monkey...' Oh, dear, maybe I should not have let the Imam help me write out my request for a raise."
9. "He puts 'Johnny Walker' on the shopping list, but fails to specify Red or Black. I just know I will be beaten for this."
10. "Ah, according to this postcard, the girl in our basement is named 'Becky,' and she's been missing since December 2002."
A Muslim voter leaves a Luton, England, polling station, after casting her ballot in the British general elections Thursday May 5, 2005.(AP Photo/ Max Nash)
** A book to anyone who guesses the reference.