Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bawdy Babes and Lusty Lasses

1. Ellen introduces the new "picture my guest naked, shackled, and slathered in motor oil" segment of her talk show.

2. A surprising number of Ellen's guests begin the show with a hearty "Heil Hitler!"

3. "Isn't she hot ... I mean, great... folks? And we have many other breasts, er, many other guests on tonight's show. And we're going to eat out all of them, I mean, get to know all of her... all of them. So, strap on... I mean, strap yourselves in, and enjoy the show."

4. "Everybody who wans to see me in an erotic cat-fight with our guest, put your hands together!"

5. Soon Ellen thought, Soon, I will convert her to my Dark Master's faith, and when the Great Old Ones return, my reward will be great indeed.

6. "Honey, it's either a butch gray pantsuit or tight leather," the wardrobe assistant sighed. "There's just no in-between with her."

7. Her guest would soon discover that she had lifted her blouse for nothing because there were not, in fact, any beads to be had from Ellen's audience.

8. The Interview rapidly went south when Ellen was asked if her outfit came in sizes for attractive women.

9. "Sit on my face/And tell me that you love me/I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too..."

10. Little did Ellen suspect that in return for winning American Idol, Carrie had sworn an oath to 'slap every lesbian in the world.'

Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, right, welcomes 'American Idol' winner Carrie Underwood during a taping of 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show,' in Burbank, Calif., (AP Photo/Warner Bros, Chris Polk)


Anonymous said...

(sniff, sniff)
Ellen, did you just have the guy with the giant catfish here recently?

(sniff, sniff)
Are you sure?

Divine Miss M said...

"Now is ze time on Sprockets when ve leer and ogle in a lascivious manner at our shapely female guests."

gyrene said...

She got a thing for women named Carrie? I saw her on a television program before she revealed her deviance; she pulled out Carrie Fisher's shirt and looked down it. I thought it was kinda bizarre behavior at the time.

Don't remember the name of the program, or when it was on, or what it was about, just this one image from it is seared, seared in my memory.