Monday, April 11, 2005

Lord of the Hissy Fit

1. "Is that a lump?"

2. "First the little shit recites the Anarchist Pledge and now she's giving an impassioned speech on "Free Mumia"... this is not going to help me in the red states."

3. "Why are they all chanting 'Wiener Dog?'"

4. "Yes, senator, I have a trust fund... why do you ask?"

5. "Come on, Mr. Kerry, say the pledge... don't make me smash your other foot with a sledgehammer."

6. "Poor thing... she's totally unaware that after the ceremony her virgin blood will be made an offering unto the great Cthulu."

7. "Uh, Senator... the pledge ended fifteen minutes ago. Senator? Senator! Oh, my God, are you squeezing yourself?"

8. "Oh dear God! The botox has made my nipples go numb! I can't feel the clamps at all!"

9. "Poor thing... he's totally unaware that after the ceremony his dessicated corpse will be offered to 'She Who Walks Behind the Corn.'"

10. "... one nation... under me!..."

Real Caption
U.S. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., stands on the stage at Faneuil Hall in Boston, Sunday, April 10, 2005, during a flag ceremony with Victoria Strojwas, with Girl Scouts Troop 9357 of Dorchester, foreground, in an annual online student essay contest awards event, sponsored by the League of Women Voters of Massachusetts. Kerry was the keynote speaker of the event. In related news, Kerry confessed that democrat voters were idiots who were easily duped into not voting. "Leaflets are handed out saying Democrats vote on Wednesday, Republicans vote on Tuesday." he said.
(AP Photo/Chitose Suzuki)


Pablo said...

A white girl from Dorchester? I call bullshit.

lawhawk said...

Must not grimace as little girl states that it is now Day 69 since I said that I would sign Form 180 on Russert's Meet the Press.

Memo to self: Never appear on Meet the Press ever again.

Occasional Reader said...

11. Sen. John Kerry entertains Girl Scouts Troop 9357 of Dorchester, MA, with his trademark "Fred Sanford" impression. "Elizabeth, it's the big one! I'm comin' to join ya!"

lawhawk said...

BTW, minor correction to my Form 180 statement. He's overdue by 71 days, not 69 days as previously stated.

We now return to our scheduled programming.

V the K said...

I just received an enraged email from John Kerry. Apparently, he was told he would be captioned on Wednesday.

AM42 said...

"Hmmm... Based on what all the kids are doing, I guess that if I actually had a heart, it would be around here somewhere."

BTW, VtheK
"...captioned on Wednesday" LMAO!