Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Free as a Bird

Martha Stewart takes a present from an unidentified security guard outside of her home in Katonah, New York, Sunday, March 6, 2005. (AP Photo/Ed Betz)

1. Martha always goes the extra mile in tasteful packaging, even if she's just leaving a burning package of dog poop on the front steps of the New York Attorney General.

2. "I don't care if it's lilac-scented, I'm not pulling your finger."

3. "Sorry, Ms Stewart. You'll need to put more postage to send this package to Katie Couric. Let's see... heavy... ticking... what is it? Like a Better Living Alarm Clock or something?"

4. "As you requested, here's a print-out of every 'decorating her prison cell' joke used by late-night comedians."

5. "No time for the old in-out today love, I'm just here to read the meter. Thanks for the gift, though."

6. Pat and Vanna were on vacation, so John Ratzenburger and Martha Stewart devised the hardest 'Wheel of Fortune' puzzle ever.*

7. "Oh, my, what a big package. And the gift is pretty nice, too."

8. "Mrs. Stewart, I've always said that if I were in a plane crash in the Andes, you're the one person I'd want there. Because, you'd know just exactly how to prepare and serve the other passengers."

9. "Eighteenth century letter-opener in a handle of hand-milled soap. It was a lovely shiv, and I'm sorry for coming up behind you like that. Could you pull it out and take me to the hospital now."

10. "Keep up the smile, package boy. Don't make me pistol-whip you like the FTD Flowers guy."

11. "I wish to God Dan Rather would stop having his Drugstore-dot-com deliveries sent here."

*Check the background.


Robbie said...

It's pretty sad when you have to explain a joke. ;-)

V the K said...

Just be glad I didn't decide to continue the "bare tit" theme I've been using of late.