French President Jacques Chirac welcomes John Kerry (L) at the Elysee Palace in Paris January 14, 2005. REUTERS/Patrick Kovarik
1. "...and then turn and... mon ami, we are never going to win the salsa dance contest if you don't, how you say, loosen up!"
2. "Don't touch me! Nothing gives you that right!"
3. "OK, mon ami you pretend to be president, I will pretend my country is still relevant."
4. "Whoa! Looks like I owe Jonah Goldberg an apology, he was right about your B.O. problem."
5. "That's right, Putin! You just be glad Chirac is holding me back, or I'd bite off your other ear, too!"
6. "You know, it just wouldn't be Paris if I weren't holding back-door meetings with America's sworn enemies."
7. "So, is it true you call a 'Quarter Pounder with Cheese' a 'Royale With Cheese?'"
8. "Oh, no. A reporter just asked Tuhrayzuh what the tsunami victims are supposed to do for food. This bodes ill."
9. Kerry is quickly buttoning up and both are bathed in a warm afterglow. Just sayin'...
10. I see Paris/I see France/I see a haughty communist gigolo with a crazy, pharmaceutical-dependent wife who couldn't win an election with the entire American media establishment pulling for him.