Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head
Scary: An allegedly serious presidential candidate playing with puppets. Scarier: 400,000 people actually voted for this doofus.
1. Ralph Nader: The presidential candidate most likely to be asked, "Can I buy pot from you?"
2. "... and so, after being with AmWay for as little as six months, you could be making upwards of $200,000 a week..."
3. "Okay, now turn the camera off and bring out the Adrienne Barbeau puppet."
4. "Yes, little puppet man, I will obey the voices. I will kill them all."
5. Crappy CGI and an overtly left-wing message were but two of the reasons Toy Story 3 was doomed to fail.
6. "Would you like some tea, Senator Prissypants 'Why thank you Ralph, you are generous and cool.' Why thank you Senator Prissypants. What do you think President Clydefrog. 'I think you're a fat piece of crap.' (pause) Hey!"
7. This is worse than the time he lost the Betty Crocker Cook-Off and played with his E-Z-Bake oven for six straight weeks.
8. Inside the Actors Studio with Alec Baldwin and Spotswoode from Team America: World Police.
9. "No one wants to shake hands with me since I gave up toilet paper in support of third world hygiene methods."
10. Nader had been afraid of puppets ever since that bad acid trip when Tim Leary and Abbie Hoffman stuck their hands inside some Cornish Game Hens and made them dance the "Can-Can."