Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Dan Rather Shows Off His Willie
1. "Gee, Dan, I don't know what happened with those memos. I pay that same guy to do my taxes."
2. "The worst part was when Diane Sawyer handed me a bunch of pills and said, 'Here Dan, take these, they're cyanide.' Anyway, I took them, and they turned out to be Tic-Tacs. And she just laughed and said, 'Oops, sorry Dan, guess I should have authenticated those pills better.' Long story short, Willie, will you kill Diane Sawyer for me?"
3. "Thanks for the offer Willie. A bikini wax would make me feel much better. I'll get the pinking shears from the limo."
4. "So, the plan is, I travel back in time and plant these memos. Bush is smeared, and Dennis Kucinich becomes President. Are you sure this will work?" "Don't worry, Willie, I've thought of everything."
5. "Dammit, Willie, 'a duet with Julio Iglesias' is your answer to everything."
6. "No kidding, Dan? You post on Little Green Footballs under the nickname 'Gordon?'"
7. "In the last two hours, I've sold him 900 acres of swampland in Arizona, got him to sign up for an extended warranty, and converted him to Scientology," Willie thought. "This guy will fall for anything!"
8. "Does red wine or white go better with 'Moon Over My Hammy?'"
9. "O.K., I'll get the check, but you better put out!"
10. "What? You mean I can't get anything I want at Alice's Restaurant?"