Friday, December 31, 2004

Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!


Interim Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas is carried by the Al Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigades leader Zakaria Zubeidi during a campaign visit to Jenin, Thursday Dec. 30, 2004.


1. "Yeee-hah! Ride 'em cowboy! Let's get on back to the KY corral! YEEEE-HAH!"

2. "Ah, Praise Allah, another fervent supporter anoints himself in my holy pit stains."

3. The blood of the innocent stains your soul, not your hands.

4. "Yes. Excellent practice drill everyone! Thank you! Of course, had this been an actual tsunami, everyone but me would all be drowned."

5. "We can dance! We can dance! Everybody look at your hands!"

6. Check out the gigantic Don King Super-fro on the dude in the background.

7. Piggy-back rides, $5.00. Moustache rides, $1.00.

8. You can set off a suicide belt, or you can pull all five fingers at once. Same diff.

9. In a land desperate for any kind of real victory, fifth place in an Alex Trebek look-alike contest is a huge deal.

10. "This is the last time I borrow a suit from Gary Coleman."




Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Dog Day Afternoon



November 24, 2004: Taz, a German Shepherd, leaps over his owner, Leo Clower, at the dog park in Warren MI.


1. Another Evangelical Dyslexic genuflecting before his dog.

2. "I will not eat them above a log, I will not eat them beneath a dog, I do not like green eggs and ham..."

3. Leo would later regret teaching his dog the deadly art of Precision Dive-Crapping.

4. Next on Origins of the Lesser X-Men, Dog Levitator Boy.

5. Hey, If I could levitate myself four feet in the air and lick myself, I'd never leave the house.

6. "Oh, yeah... those Jehovah Witnesses will be dead before they hit the ground."

7. "Whoa! Brenda! That's a hell of an arm you got there. Now, throw the cat."

8. Leo was later arrested when the dog jumped over "the moon."

9. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. Underneath a dog, on the other hand...

10. "Crikey, that wild dingo just leaped over that man's 'ead and 'e's about rip me neck off..." The Death of Steve Irwin.

Tickle This, Pigs!


Friday, November 26, 2004: An enormous Elmo balloon seems to be reaching out to the Wayne County Sheriffs Mounted unit during the 78th Annual Thanksgiving Parade in downtown Detroit.
Detroit News


1. "Damn it, Johnson, I know it's tempting, but if you pull Elmo's finger, it could damn well destroy the entire city!"

2. "Hey, maybe after the parade, you can take me back to your place and... tickle me."

3. Another raid at the Neverland Ranch was initiated after molestation complaints by Giant Children.

4. "STOP THE PARADE!! Elmo isn't supposed to be shouting obscenities!!"

5. Police were powerless as the Life-Size Naked Sunburned Michael Moore continued its rampage through the city.

6. "That big red character behind us rakes in over a billion dollars a year in merchandising fees alone and still gets a half billion in taxpayer subsidies... we definitely arrest the wrong people."

7. On a controversial Sesame Street, Elmo takes out JFK from behind the grassy knoll.

8. "Elmo says, 'Fight the power! Off the pigs! Legalize It!'" "Take him down, men."

9. "The horses are okay, but do you ever fantasize about being cyborg super-cops with rocket packs and machine-gun arms?"

10. "Well, the one I rode in on isn't interested, so there!"



Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Christmas at the Snake Pit



Marine Lance Cpl. Adam Suave of Savage, Minn., dressed up as Santa Claus, and Lance Cpl. Brian Marren of Chicago dressed up as Rudolf, on Christmas day at Forward Operating Base Snake Pit in Ramadi, Iraq. Santa is carrying a pump action shotgun and Rudolf is carrying a Squad Automatic Weapon. Both Marines are with Echo Company, 2nd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment. - L.G. Francis / Military Times staff - Air Force Times


1. "Aw, come on, all I did was ask Rumsfeld what kind of underwear he wore."

2. "Gentlemen, I ask you one last time, is this really the best way to settle the 'Kirk versus Picard' argument?"

3. "Um, Adam, it turns out the clerk was dyslexic, and your paperwork should have read 'SATAN worshipper.'"

4. This year, Santa decided to get Medieval on those naughty kids' asses.

5. "Um, Brian, when I said I was up for some 'White Tail,' that's not what I had in mind."

6. Let's see, deer hunting with a pump action shotgun and an automatic rifle. In Michigan, we consider that underkill.

7. "Yo, Santa, I'll give you $100 for the list of bad girls."

8. "Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys/For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys/When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death/Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath/From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo/Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye/"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!" - Weird Al Yankovic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy"

9. After their Christmas Party on Tatooine was broken up by a bunch of rowdy, drunken Jedi, the Marines calmly went forth and showed why shotguns and assault rifles beat light sabers and wussy-ass mind tricks every time.

10. "We'll teach that Grinch bastard to steal the Whos' Christmas."

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Shrinkage



Nude members of Berlin's ice swimming club 'Berliner Seehunde' (Berlin seals) take a dip in the cold water of the Oranke lake, in Berlin December 25, 2004. Photo by Fabrizio Bensch/Reuters


1. "Now that the bubbles have stopped, does anyone else want to compare me to 'Free Willy?'"

2. -- Insert 'shallow end of gene pool comment' here. --

3. "Klaus, if I knew mein 'man-boobies' would drive you into such a frenzy, I would have worn a two-piece."

4. "Klaus, if you don't want the puppies, maybe you should just get the dog fixed."

5. An interpretive-dance version of 'The Odyssey' using naked Germans in Santa Hats for Scylla and Charybdis: Your NEA tax dollars at work.

6. The first Shriners emerge from the primodial ooze.

7. "It wasn't me."

8. "Ach! Ein Baby Ruth! Vait a minute, das ist nicht ein Baby Ruth."

9. "Next Christmas, I get to be Kate Winslet and you have to be Leonardo di Caprio, OK Hans?"

10. "As demonstrations of strength and virility go, this is okay, but invading Poland would be better."

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Old People With Holiday Tree



Gerard and Rita P---- hoist a spruce tree on their car. Gerard P---- said he was impressed by the "good selection" of trees at the lot. Sentinel-Standard/Steve DeGrush.


1. "And when the holidays are over, we'll just throw it in the wood-chipper and use it to mulch the garden." "Do you mean the tree, or the hitch-hiker we got stashed in the trunk?"

2. "I love shopping here. They always have such lovely shit."

3. "I smell Alpo, did you just cut one?"

4. "Don't you feel like a hypocrite? Us being Satanists and all."

5. "The smell of Fixodent gets me so hot, I've got half a mind to bend you over the trunk and ram yo' booty right here, right now."

6. "Jingles Bellsh! Jingle Bellsh. (hic) Jingle all the... on Dancer! On Pransher! What? Coursh I'm good ta drive ya (hic) nasty old skank!"

7. "What do you say we go over the farmer's market and run down some young people?"

8. "All right, but next Christmas, I'm goin' to Fire Island with Hank."

9. "We'll have a 'Yule Log' too... soon as the Vi@gr@ kicks in."

10. "Hey! I got an idea! Why don't we go down to the docks and score some acid before we put the lights up?"


Monday, December 20, 2004

You could photoshop an anti-Bush slogan into this picture, drop it into Sorry-Everybody-dot-com and nobody would notice



Pop star Michael Jackson waves after greeting several hundred children that were invited guests at his Neverland Ranch home - AP


1. Disney's remake of Mary Poppins. was scuttled by a catastrophic casting decision.

2. "My slumber parties are perfectly innocent and the children get to have all the Jesus Juice... I mean, Juicy Juice... they can drink."

3. "As your publicist, I advise you that your only hope is to marry someone even scarier, creepier, and less worthy of being trusted around children than you are. Mr. Jackson, I'd like you to meet your new fiance, Courtney Love."

4. Because plastic surgery has reduced his nostrils to the size of pinholes, Michael Jackson has no choice but to pick his friend's nose.

5. Michael Jackson once again blunders into controversy by referring to "Toys 'R' Us" as "The Bait Shop."

6. In 2006, Michael Jackson produced and directed a documentary film using heavily doctored footage to make the claim that George W. Bush was a delusional, plastic surgery-addicted pedophile. He won the Palm d'Or at Cannes and regained the full measure of his respect and celebrity among the media elites.

7. "A is for Albert, molested by Michael/B is for Brian, also molested by Michael/C is for Charlie ..." Gashlycrumb Tinies, 2004.

8. Disney's remake of The Avengers was scuttled by a catastrophic casting decision.

9. Apparently, someone told him it was raining men.

10. You don't really realize how dirty the song "Afternoon Delight" is until you hear Michael Jackson singing it in a karaoke duet with a fifth-grader.

Good News for LA Motorists



My favorite Headline of the Year: LAPD Plan to Curb Flashlight Beatings

1. "if you can't beat people with flashlights, and you can't pound somebody's head on the pavement... what's the point of being of being a cop any more?"

2. "Rick, if you point out we're parked under mistletoe again, I'm not gonna beat you with my flashlight, I'm gonna shove it up your ass." "Promise?"

3. "Kwanzaa is a celebration of the values that sustain my people." "Um, Rick, you're the white cop." "Yeah, but I come from a long line of Marxist sociology professors."

4. "Personally, I think using a giant sign that says "Weetime" to point out a public restroom is just a little too cutesy.

5. "Of course it's wrong to beat suspects with flashlights... that what they give us nightsticks for."

6. "I agree times have changed a lot since CHiPS made Erik Estrada's character Italian instead of Latino because they didn't think a 70's audience could handle that much diversity, but I still don't think any network is ready for 'Dick Hershey: Pre-Operative Trans-Sexual Undercover Cop,' ... Oh, wait, I forgot about HBO."

7. "Hey, looks like that guy we sent in to settle the gang war between the Crips and Bloods really was just a stripper after all. This should be entertaining."

8. "He called me a 'girlie-man' so I ran over his foot. That's how I ended up on traffic detail."

9. "As soon as the Olson twins hit 18, I requested a transfer to vice. I figure it's just a matter of time."

10. "Have you seen this boy?"

Friday, December 17, 2004

They had me going until the Fortran bit


Scientists from RAND Corporation have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look in the year 2004. With teletype interface and the Fortran language, the computer will be easy to use,


This was emailed to me about a week ago. I thought it smelled funny and Snopes confirms it's a hoax, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend it's real, right?

1. "And it will go 14 hectares on a flagon of horse manure."

2. The RAND scientists added a steering wheel when someone commented that computers of the future might be used to play "Simu-Crime" games in which Negroes stole cars and shot each other.

3. "Think this baby can whip me up a whore like those kids in Weird Science did?"

4. In 1955, Professor Schonnbrunn was sentenced to eight years on morals charges for theorizing that his "Think-U-Tron" could permit "pictures of naked ladies to be displayed in the privacy of their own home."

5. First clue that it was a fake 50's photograph? No "Whites Only" sign on the gigantic keyboard.

6. What Mac Users envision whenever anyone tries to argue the superiority of DOS.

7. "I use it to cruise chat-rooms and pretend I'm a 23-year-old hottie under the name BustyLass36DD."

8. When your ISP gives you a warning not to give personal information to any unknown third parties, they mean this guy.

9. "Will men be taking orders from machines in 2004? Only if you count on-line dominatrixes."

10. "The Temporal-Teletype-Machine seems to be printing out a message from the future. It's... BUY... V.I.@.G.R.@... and ... C.I.@.L.I.S... at ... 50%... DISCOUNT."


Thursday, December 16, 2004

Making the World A Better Place



Imagine a world without France... Is it possible? For centuries scholars have pondered the problem of France - trying to balance their hatred of France with their natural reluctance to destroy a whole country and all of its inhabitants.
-- The Man Who Fell Asleep

Toys Against Tots



Staff Sgt. Leonardo Cruz unloads toys for the Marine Corps’ ‘Toys for Tots’ program from an Air Force Pave Hawk helicopter at Nellis Air Force Base, Nev., near Las Vegas, 12/13/2004. Craig L. Moran / AP photo-Air Force Times


1. Apparently the problems with getting armored vehicles to the troops are even worse than we thought.

2. The Buckley's "Pave Hawk" drove their Hummer-driving yuppie neighbors into fits of jealousy, and parking at Toys 'R' Us was never a problem.

3. "Well, you knew we were airborne... you kids should have held on tighter."

4. Man, they are really coddling those guys at Abu Ghraib.

5. Michael Jackson's elite payoff squad comes through with more "hush money."

6. If Senator Clinton had had Sprint PCS, the Marines would have heard her clearly say, "I need you to drop off a couple of dykes at my place in the Hamptons."

7. "All right, now all I got to do is walk a tightrope between two hovering helicopters while carrying a pair of tricycles... damn these Marine initiations are a bitch."

8. Wow! Some lucky kid is going to love the "Flemish Painter Action Figure" I see protruding from the box.

9. Full combat gear really is the only way to confront a mob of toy-crazed pre-schoolers.

10. If Bill Clinton had had Sprint PCS, the Marines would have heard him clearly request a pair of trisexuals be dropped off at his place in the Hamptons.

Terrorists in Blue



1. (singing) "I-I-I-I-I-I-I just gotta be me... just gotta be me..."

2. "We are not only a fabulous army, we are also part of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation."

3. "Who's the tall guy in back who looks like Lurch and why does he keep asking if we'll be committing atrocities in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan?"

4. Gay Pride Parades lost some of their pizzazz when Maoists finally consolidated their control of the San Francisco City Council.

5. "Sorry, my... ahem... "room-mate" ... put bleach in the load with my uniform."

6. Asked why Hamas had added "Free Scott Peterson" to its list of demands, Abbas cited "solidarity with all political prisoners," but remarked off the record that Peterson was also "one hot hunk of California manhood."

7. Ali was out-of-touch with slang expressions that were trendy in 1997 and after a misunderstanding with one of his subordinates spent the rest of the day talking to his hand.

8. Cliff Clavin never dealt well with Cheers cancellation and eventually joined a militant wing of the Postal Service.

9. I don't know why Arafat called his elite forces the "Pearl Necklace" boys. I don't see any pearl necklaces.

10. Ali continues to insist that he is, in fact, "the real Slim Shady."

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Is Yanukovych The Disney Candidate?



1. Have a Happy "Give a Lesbian a Balloon Day"

2. "What corrupt capitalist running dog media fail to realize is that dioxin is traditional ingredient in Ukrainian gulag... I mean, goulash

3. Another Obscure Reference "I was walking up Sixth Avenue/When Balloon man came right up to me/He was round and fat and spherical/with the biggest grin I'd ever seen..."

4. Actor/comedian Howie Mendel was brutally strangled today by a really scary butch lesbian.

5. Nice try, but you're still not getting into Michael Jackson's house.

6. With Scully and Mulder hot on his trail, the alien morphed into Girls Phys. Ed. Teacher and tried to hide his anal probe inside a festive balloon.

7. "... when they came for the anthropomorphic animated mice, I didn't care because I wasn't an anthropomorphic animated mouse..."

8. Why the Ukrainian Communist Party adopted Drew Carey's prostate as its symbol is indeed a mystery.

9. Slightly Less Obscure Reference Ukrainian Communist Party candidate "Pennywise" at a rally where thousands chanted his slogan, "We all float down here."

10. "Winning this election will be as easy as taking a balloon from a child... after the child has been poisoned with dioxin.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Deck of a Carrier or IKEA Parking Lot, You decide.




Sailors assigned to the Air Department conduct a Scrub Exercise (SCRUBEX) on the flight deck of the Nimitz-class aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN 71) on Sunday. SCRUBEXs are performed periodically to reduce hydraulic fluid, grease and dirt buildup on flight decks and catwalks. The Roosevelt currently is at sea in the Atlantic Ocean conducting sea trials. Photographer’s Mate Airman Michael Cole / U.S. Navy -Air Force Times


1. It takes a large, highly specialized crew to clean up after one of Senator Kennedy's drunken orgies.

2. "And when you guys are done decontaminating this area, I will explain the actual meaning of 'poop deck.'"

3. Obscure Reference du jour "And I want you to count the slits between the planks very carefully so you don't fall in. Remember, when you're out of slits, you're out of pier."

4. Robin (center) eventually left Batman and joined the Navy, but never outgrew his fondness for yellow pants.

5. "Seaman, what's with the camo jacket? You see a damn tree anywhere on this ship?"

6. "We'll have to cancel Michael Moore's annual crevice scrub. We're a man short of the minimum safe crew allotment. We, do, however, have enough men to scrub the deck of this aircraft carrier."

7. "Yes, Seaman, we're aware you can sing 'Am I Blue?' in a voice eerily reminiscent of Patsy Kline. We just don't want you to."

8. "Look, I don't want to get busted for insubordination, and you don't want to get busted for insubordination, but we've been scrubbing this deck for two straight months and the admiral just sits over there, sobbing into his hands about how his beautiful ship is soiled and will never be clean again and I think somebody should say something."

9. The Navy gets it's own cable channel and totally misses the concept of 'Sweeps Month.'

10. "C'mon, you guys. Sing 'In the Navy' with me! Just because you appreciate camp doesn't mean you're gay."

Hoo-ah!



A Marine uses a map to help his fellow leathernecks get oriented inside a neighborhood in Ramadi, Iraq, on Monday as they conduct a nighttime patrol there. Brennan Linsley / AP photo -Air Force Times


1. "For this game, you're going to be a 9th-level mage with 140 hit points..."

2. "Unfortunately, sergeant, 'nuking them from orbit because it's the only way to be sure' is not an option... yet."

3. "And now I have an announcement about dinner. It was veal. The pool money goes to PFC Richardson, who guessed, 'some kind of meat.'"

4. "And then, we all jump out and yell 'surprise! Happy birthday, colonel!'... and no shooting this time! Yes, I'm talking to you, Corporal Itchyfingers!"

5. "Madonna has volunteered for the USO tour and wants to know if we'd be willing to do any of that Abu Ghraib stuff on her."

6. "And our joke of the day, 'How can you tell if a blond insurgent set the Improvised Explosive Device (IED)?' Answer: 'If it's hidden in her vagina instead of by the highway.'"

7. "I'm still reading the printout, but none of these captions is overtly homo-erotic, so we don't have to hunt him down like a dog and kill him ... not yet anyway"

8. "Oh, and PFC Horowitz, Coalition Command has decided it's insensitive of you to shout 'Merry Christmas' as you blow away an insurgent, but yelling 'Happy Holidays' would be acceptable."

9. "Hey! They printed my letter! Here it is! Dear Penthouse, I never thought something like this would happen to me..."

10. "Okay, if this map is correct, we're either in the middle of Fallujah or downtown Milwaukee."

Monday, December 13, 2004

Returning to Current Events



Authorities, driving an unmarked Santa Barbara County sheriff's vehicle, leave Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, Calif., Friday, Dec. 3, 2004. (AP Photo/Phil Klein)


1. "I'm a Barbie Girl/In a Barbie world..." Come on, sing! Sing, damn you!

2. "It's Carrot Top! Floor it!"

3. "You call one more 'slug bug' and we're going to play a new game called '400 blows to the kidneys!'"

4. "Damn! Which is more points, the old man with the walker, or the old man in the wheelchair?"

5. "Hey, I'm perfectly fine to drive and you won't shut up about it you can ride in the trunk with the other hitchhikers."

6. "Jerry, this is the fourth time we've gone camping in Mexico in the last month. How stupid do you think the Border Patrol is, anyway?"

7. "Jerry, I don't want to tell you how to drive or anything, but when the State Trooper asked, 'Do you know how fast you were going?' you probably could have come up with a better answer than 'You're the fascist pig, you tell me.'"

8. In order to help with his son's homework, Jerry leaves Phoenix in a car going west at 50 miles per hour...

9. "Dude, when an Amish guy gives you the finger you're driving too slow!"

10. "Wow! Those troopers got a lot more polite after you got their guns away from them."

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part XVIII



Yet another androgynous Bush-hater from sorry-everybody-dot-com.

1. S/he’s sorry, and his/her over-sized rectal thermometer is also sorry.

2. “I’m so depressed, I think I’ll call my partner Chris, and our friends Kelly and Joe, and we’ll have a special night on the town… just us… colleagues.”

3. Howard Stern is taken off the air permanently after a call from Florida on the topic of “Deviant uses for cordless phone antennas.”

4. “Yes, I’m overcome with Post-Election Selection Trauma and won’t be in to teach girls gym today.”

5. “Grandpa, if you’re just going to go on and on about your chest pains, I’m gonna hang up right now. Whine. Whine. Whine.”

6. “Oh, no! A black man in our neighborhood! Better dial 9-1 and stand by.”

7. “No… a sheepshank knot is only going to slip low on your neck and choke you slowly. What you want is a three-coil noose with a bowline coil at the end. Snap your neck in a jiffy. Glad I could help, buh-bye.” The new Volunteer was unclear on the concept of a Suicide Hotline.

8. “I'm tired of talking to the cops! One of you hostages come here and talk to the cops! And tell those pigs I'll blow your head off if my demands aren’t met!”

9. “They said I’m a sexually ambiguous loser with no fashion sense, Psychic Friends My Ass!”

10. "Hey! What's the number for 911?"

Monday, December 06, 2004

Sorry Loser, Part XVII



Yet another disappointed Kerry-hugger from sorry-everybody-dot-com.

1.The motto of Earthjustice is Earth not only needs a good lawyer... and if this guy is stalking her, she also needs a restraining order.

2. 60,000 Quarter pounders ago, he modeled for the FTD logo.

3. (Obscure Reference Red Alert!) The Triffids were ultimately defeated by an obese giant in a silly hat.

4. His grandma's garden was the only thing Willis ever deflowered

5. Hm, the gut, the beard, and the T-shirt say "dominant bear" but the pretty flowers say "submissive twink." Once again, Andrew Sullivan is sending mixed signals.

6. (Obscure Frasier-esque reference) "Here's rosemary, that's for SwiftBoat Vets. So remember. And here's some pansies for gay marriage bans. There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue for you; and here's some for me: .." Michael Moore was the worst Ophelia ever.

7. "I feel pretty...oh so pretty...!"

8. Willis thought Marx was wrong about one thing. Religion was not the opium of the masses... poppies were the opium of the masses.

9. Willis combines his left-wing angst with his love of pretending to be the newly crowned Miss America.

10. If this is the flower girl, I'd hate to see the bride.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part XVI



Photo from the apologies-accepted-dot-com website

1. Mr. Bean's even more retarded and much less funny French cousin Monsieur Legume

2. "I feel Pretty/Oh so pretty..."

3. Five minutes later, Eddie Murphy pulled up and asked him if he needed a ride.

4. Most lefty parents won't let their off-spring leave home until they can successfully dress themselves, which explains both lefty fashion sense and why so many live in their parents' basements until well into their thirties.

5. Should I feel empathy for the daily agonies he suffers because of his gender confusion, or just a burning desire to beat the crap out of him. Oh, wait, he's French. dumb question.

6. The kind of person you never find working at Jiffy Lube

7. When I said I wanted to see something feminine and French in a tight sweater, this is not what I had in mind.

8. Why Mic is no longer allowed to teach Fourth Grade girls PhysEd.

9. While "The Soup Nazi" is legendary in the Pantheon of Minor Seinfeld characters, his colleague "The Au Bon Pain Collaborator" never quite achieved mythic status.

10. Mr Bean is Ed Wood in Glen or Glenda

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Canadian Moonbats Protest Bush



Ottawa. CANADA, December 01 -- Photo taken at a gathering of clueless left-wingers who blew off school or (not very likely) "work" to flirt, get stoned, and squeal idiotic slogans while deluding themselves that their childish tantrums actually achieve anything worthwhile or signify anything meaningful. Yes, it was an anti-Bush protest,More photos here

Hat tip: IDF Dave

BTW: If you want to do something that really is meaningful and worthwhile, support Isreali Defense Forces with pizza and soup and stuff:


1. University of Ottawa Mascot, "Ed, the Retarded Pothead Gopher," signs autographs before a curling match.

2. Wile E. Coyote had to learn the hard way that your face does not always recover its previous shape after being run over by a steamroller.

3. "Special Ed" signs autographs during the Canadian leg of the "Crank Yankers on Ice" tour.

4. "I have to sign a paternity waiver? Wow, do all retarded gopher plushies get this much action?"

5. "Ewww, gross, this isn't a 'Legalize Pot' petition, this is just a highly detailed log of your bowel movements."

6. "Sorry, babes, 'Louie the Crackhead Chipmunk' couldn't be here. He's doing a Shopping Mall opening in Sudbury... so he sent me instead. Any of you got some Dorito's?"

7. Wow, that guy must masturbate a lot.

8. "You know what they say, babes, once you've had gopher you... um, no, once you've had groundhog... um, once you've had muskrat... damn, what the hell am I supposed to be anyway?"

9. "It says, 'Weed is good for your beaver.'"

10. "So, Muskrat Sam... does Muskrat Suzie know about your little *puff puff* problem?"

Sorry Losers, Part XV



More frowny faces and dull-witted sentiments from sorryeverybody-dot-com...

1. For a moment, I was too overwhelmed by the glamor, beauty and eloquence of the left to make any captions.

2. "Dear Womyn, Sorry Ain't Gonna Cut It. Do you know how much waste and pollution is caused in the production of Birkenstocks? Did you tear off a piece of one of my beautiful trees to make that pathetic apology note? Why don't you get a job or something? (signed) Earth."

3. Look, I wouldn't go for the obvious lesbian captions, but how many women keep a framed schematic of the "Pleasure-Vibe 8000" on their wall?

4. "Well, ma, the reason Diane Keaton looks cute in glasses and a hat is because Diane Keaton isn't a horsey-faced skank like you."

5. "O.K., I support your right to free expression, but Dad, watching you put on make-up while whispering 'I'd f*ck me' just creeps me out."

6. "Mom, you always told me I was the result of a backstage tryst with Prince at his 1986 New Year's Eve show, but I did some checking and it turns out the opening act that night was Carrot Top. Care to amend your story?"

7. "So, what do you say later we hop on the broom and ride over to Cousin Endora's?"

8. "'Uncle Bruce' is right, dad. Neither one of us can accesorize for sh*t."

9. "Mom, if our apology to Gaia and our supplications to the Blood Moon Goddess still fail to get rid of my burning crotch rash, then can we go to a doctor?"

10. "So it is agreed. Tomorrow we shall kill everything that has testicles."