Hippies=Morons

Canadian Bush-Haters protesting President Bush's Visit to Canada. (Mille fois merci to Paul Denton)

(Links have been added to help with some of the more obscure references)

1. (Obscure Reference Alert) There is a loud gunshot as the hippies are shot in the stomach. They crumple to the ground Voice Over: "This demonstrates the value of not being seen."

2. The opposite side of the sign reads, "Welcome Aliens, Beam us to the Mother Ship." Just in case.

3. One piece of litter on the entire lawn... and it's the hippies that threw it there.

4. Their protest was abandoned in panic when Don King's massive hairdo appeared on the horizon.

5. "Hey, Maude, this is exactly where those two victims were standing when I went up in the Bell Tower back in '64. Remember?"

6. "Look, Maude... in the sky... it really is raining men. Hallelujah!"

7. "George, I give you five points for using the sign to preserve your privacy, but I take away several hundred points for pissing on my Birkentocks."

8. "Hey, how much longer is this protest going to go on? Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to leave a meth lab unattended?"

9. "Nice of Svend Robinson to drop by our Protest. Hey, where's my watch?"

10. Canadians: The Jan Brady's of the International Community. ("It's always about America. America! America! America!")

Sorry Losers, Part XIV or Something

1. "Et Tu, Poppinfresh?"

2. "Sorry Bruce, the trick isn't into the horny sailor fantasy. Try the Mean Nurse outfit instead."

3. "I did MY part..." His part being third chorus boy in the San Francisco Gay Chorus rendition of HMS Pinafore.

4. "Bruce, I am so turned on. Now, to get me really hot, start tap-dancing and singing 'On the Good Ship Lollipop'..."

5. The cop, the construction worker, the leather man, and the Indian are also very, very sorry.

6. No one realized the depth of Bruce's obsession with the character of Mel Sharples from the 70's-era sitcom "Alice" until the police began recovering the bodies of skinny waitresses in pink outfits from his crawl-space. At his arraignment, he pleaded "Kiss my grits."

7. He's been bitter ever since Olive Oyl shaved her head and joined a 'Womyn's Poetry Collective.

8. So, the photographer places a bright lamp behind his subject. I guess that chapter of Photography for Dummies was a little over his head.

9. I always suspected the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man was a Democrat.

10. "Um... 'wish in one hand and crap in the other' is just an expression, you sick pig."

Screech the Red (Another Sorry Loser)

1. After denouncing Zack to the local Kommissarr for counter-revolutionary activities, Screech became the leader of the 'Saved By the Bell' class, and forced Tiffany Amber-Thiessen to undergo revolutionary re-education.

2. "55,000,000 hero's ain't bad" and for Michael Moore, it's just a typical lunch at Subway.

3. This was the picture that won Oliver Stone's heart and secured Screech the coveted role of Jackie O in "JFK II"

4. Who knew Lenin had such comely, child-bearing hips.

5. "... and CNN News is now able to project a winner in the Berkeley City Council Election..."

6. Communist Screech says, "Idler, stop reading decadent captions. The glorious worker's revolution demands productivity!"

7. "I'm not Screech, you idiot, I'm k.d. lang!!"

8. Loser Haiku:
Soviet Union
Dead Since 1991
What an idiot

9. Due to a badly out-of-date misunderstanding of the term "Red State," the Kerry campaign sent this poor fellow to campaign in Texas. He was never seen again.

10. Bright colors. Classic Styles. Youthful models filled with Proletarian Vigor. It must be Commie Hilfiger.

Feel the Love

Posted in my direction at another forum:

VtheK, you spiteful little c-nt. At least I knew who (my father) was.

You prick. I hope you die old and lonely and knowing you were wrong all your life.

JVP, you're a f-cking asshole, a total wanker and a waste of time. I wish you nothing but a painful, lonely miserable life and a death that nobody notices. We all get what we deserve. Surrogate father? I wouldn't keep you for a pet. You presume to know people when you know nothing. You and your supporters like the pathetic loser VtheK make me want to vomit.

LMAO

Sorry Losers, Part XI

1. Tim answers the age-old question, "How do you seat four gay men on one chair?"

2. Tim practices for the "fan participation segment" of the next NBA game.

3. Typical Democrat: He thinks he's making a profound political statement but to everyone else, he's just dull-wittedly playing with someone else's stool.

4. The fun part about being Tim's roommate was that when he was stoned, you could convince him that his chair was actuallya giant Tootsie pop, and he'd spend hours licking it and counting how many licks it took to get to the center..

5. Tim is still angry that "Seaty McChair's" provisional ballot was rejected.

6. I've got $150.00 says this guy knows exactly what bongwater tastes like.

7. Tim was not actually on drugs, or retarded. It just so happens he was up all night trying to talk his grandmother down from the roof, where she had her Depends on her head, and was insisting that she dry-cleaned FDR's wedding dress. So, cut him some slack.

8. "'How do you keep a sorry idiot busy for hours? (Turn Chair Over)' ... 'How do you keep a sorry idiot busy for hours? (Turn Chair Over)' ... 'How do you keep a sorry idiot busy for hours? (Turn Chair Over)'..."

9. Unable to cope with his heathen parents' choice of a zinfandel for Thanksgiving, Tim retreats to his room and spends hours stroking the smooth metal legs of his favorite chair until the pain goes away.

10. "Hey guys! Guess what I just figured out! If you cut a hole in a padded seat, you don't need no girlfriend!"

Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

U.S. President George W. Bush (C) walks to an APEC leaders group photo with Chilean President Ricardo Lagos (L) and Russian President Vladimir Putin in the Los Naranjos courtyard in Santiago, November 21, 2004,

1. "I'm... too sexy for my poncho/Too sexy for my poncho..."

2. "Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find... The Three Amigos!

3. "These ponchos just gave me another one of my brilliant ideas. Let's get Chirac in one of these get-ups, give him a 'fruit roll-up' and beat the crap out of him?"

4. 35 years ago, hippies dreamed of the day their leaders would understand them, wear long hair, dress like them, and be peaceful. This photo confirms what a bad idea this would be.

5. "Vlad, I'm uncomfortable enough in this poncho without you singing 'Close to You' Over and over again."

6. "Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?"

7. "In Soviet Russia, stupid, gay-looking poncho wears you."

8. "So, basically, the Incas were around for 1,400 years and the best they could come up with, technology-wise, was a blanket with a slit cut in it? No wonder Columbus kicked your asses."

9. "Putin, I swear to God, if you point out one more time that 'you could totally masturbate under this and nobody would know' I am going to kill you."
'
10. "(sigh) It's no use. I simply feel naked without pearls."

Sorry Losers Part X

1. Industrial Light and Morons.

2. Every day his wife thinks, “I married Luke Skywalker, when did he turn into Jabba the Hutt?”

3. Real Jedis do not have 4,000 empty Taco Bell carry out bags in their starfighters.

4. He used to refer to his unit as “The Magnificent Seven” until his wife pointed out it was more like a “Fantastic Four.”

5. This guy probably has a '92 minivan he calls the Millennium Falcon, a dog named Boba Fett, and refers to the 7-11 where he works as “The Death Star,” but his wife drew the line at her nickname, “Chewbacca.”

6. What is the Klingon word for “loser?”

7. Those are only a couple of the long, tubular, plastic toys that have kept their marriage together.

8. How do we Luke Skywalker was a democrat? He had issues with his father, had a thing for his sister, hung out in a bar with a bunch of flamboyant freaks, joined a phony New Age pseudo-religion, never had a real job, and spent way too much time playing with his sword.

9. About that “Jedi Mind Trick” you tried to influence the election, Obi Wan would have had enough sense to use a typewriter from the actual period of Bush’s National Guard service to create the memos instead of MS Word.

10. “Well, Honey, Bush won again. Looks like I won't be named 'Ambassador to Coruscant' after all. I guess it’s four more years of living in my parent’s rec room.”

Sorry Losers, Part IX

Yet another dejected loser from sorry-everybody-dot-com.

1. Still trying to figure out what happened? I'm guessing it started to go wrong the first time he cut math to smoke pot in the boys bathroom.

2. Doah would soon learn why “Bear Cubs in Distress” was the worst possible choice for a “Sounds of Nature” tape to take on a trip to Yellowstone.

3. “George W. Bush put me out of work and now I live at a rest area… OK, it was actually partly because of showing up to the plant drunk, punching the foreman in the throat, and having to leave the state to avoid child support payments… but mostly it was because of George W. Bush.”

4. Doah fancied himself a modern-day Thoreau, and the Rest-Stop on I-94 was his Walden. Of course, Thoreau didn’t have to put up with the g-dd-mned State Police. Public Intoxication, my ass. G-dd-mn Ashcroft.”

5. Somehow, this picture isn’t complete without “Dueling Banjos” and Ned Beatty squealing in the background.

6. Nice of the webmaster to crop out the toilet and replace it with a picnic scene, don’t you think.

7. “Hmm, maybe over there would be a good spot to bury the hitch-hiker I got in the coolers.”

8. DoahRat adheres to the letter of the restraining order and camps exactly 151 feet outside Al Franken’s door.

9. His hippie wife Rainbow approved of his technique for “natural organic lawn fertilization” but to his kids, it was a constant source of embarrassment.

10. Well, at least he can comfort himself with his Golden Cockring award from the International Mr. Leather Pageant. (Upper Left quadrant of photo)

Sorry Losers Part VIII

1. Oh, no! General Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone... and shops at Adidas!

2. General Zod denies beating up Superman, Ben Affleck apologizes for Gigli, and Tony Shalhoub affectionately pats Affleck's butt.

3. Privately, General Zod was relieved about Kerry losing. As long as gay marriage remained illegal, he would not be force to choose between Ben's fabulous glutes and Tony's fabulous singing voice.

4. And by "Fight On," they mean lots of man-on-man action.

5. While General Zod keeps Ben Affleck distracted with a shiny object, Tony Shalhoub lifts his wallet.

6. Menage-a-twits.

7. "Hey, Tony and Zod, which word better describes my ass ... 'voracious' or 'insatiable'?"

8. Sorry Loser mad-libs: "We didn't Do anything to Your Goat. We meant to Do It after We tried giving each other malt liquor enemas but we got So Damn drunk. Sorry, but if it makes it up to you we will fight on Thursday night, lubed up with Wesson oil and wearing nothing but speedos and dorky "Ohio Idiot" hats.

9. "When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

10. The Blue Man Group's unsuccessful rip-off act, the Blue State Dorks

Sorry Losers Part... What Are We Up to, VII?

1. "Not everyone in Ohio is an idiot." So, basically, it's just you then.

2. He voted Democrat because Kerry promised to make wedgies a hate crime.

3. He's sorry that not everyone in Ohio is an idiot? Is that supposed to be my take-away from this photo?

4. "V-e-e-e-e-r-r-r-y nice, sign, Ed. Now, take your pants off and sing 'I'm a little teapot.'" Miss Sullivan was one weird Special Ed Teacher.

5. Can you find the secret message in this photo? "But I am sick" is an anagram for "I stick a bum." Either he's confessing to murder or coming out of the closet. I'm really hoping it's murder.

6. Technically speaking, walking around with a gray powdered wig and proclaiming yourself "the High Lord Mayor of Akron" makes you a nut, not an idiot, but the point is well-taken.

7. Kevin Smith remakes "The Picture of Dorian Gray," except this version is set in Toledo, and Dorian stays cool and hip while his gif file becomes ever dorkier. Plus, there's lots of F-words.

8. OK, Ed, let's go over some of the reasons you're not getting any responses to your Yahoo Photo Personals Ad.

9. Chris Elliot never got over losing the lead role in Fargo to Frances McDormand.

10. So, Kerry was denied his rightful position as Lord of Space Unicorn People? I'm guessing your dosage is a little off there.

Sorry Losers, Part VI

1. I'm guessing HOMO in this case is an ancronym for Heroin-Oriented MOron

2. The cat seems to fear it is about to be buggered.

3. Looking at this photo, I'm having a major "It's Pat" moment.

4. Two members of KISS without their make-up. On the left, Gene Simmons. On the right, Peter Criss.

5. I liked it better when their signs just said "Will Work For Food." I know they didn't really mean it, but at least it had a certain dignity.

6. The cat's name is "Beaver," in case you're wondering.

7. "I'm as screwed up as you are..." provided the "you" in question is Margot Kidder coming off a three-week crystal meth and Tidy Bowl bender.

8. Got Heroin?

9. Difference between a lamp and any human being on Earth? She can turn on a lamp.

10. And the cat's just thinking, "I don't know whether the Hell it's a man or a woman either."

Sorry Losers, Part V

1. "Oh... the election... I thought we are talking about my erection.

2. Fat chicks and old geezers need love, too. They just have to pay for it.

3. Meaning, of course, she will continue to eat like a pig, and he will continue to avoid showering.

4. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a multi-state killing spree to tend to." (Thanks Beagle)

5. Gandalf would come to regret using sorcery to turn Rosie O'Donnell into a heterosexual.

6. Most frequently used words in their vocabulary: 5. This 4.Is 3.Really 2.Good. 1.Shit

7. Looks like all those absentee ballots from the dead drifters in the basement were a waste of time.

8. Kos and Wonkette, the Golden Years.

9. "Okay, picture time is over. That batch of crystal meth isn't going to cook itself."

10. "She so horny, she love you long time, twenty dollar."

Blairvis and Bushhead

"US President George W. Bush (L) and British Prime Minister Tony Blair walk to the East Room of the White House for a joint press conference 12 November 2004 (Photo credit BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

1. "Snogging ... well, it's a bit of slang, isn't it? Picture what Mr. Cheney was doing to Cokie Roberts when we walked in on them and you'll have the idea."

2. "This place has changed a lot since I visited during the Clinton Administration. That used to be George Stephanopoulus's office. I see someone has taken down the Mapplethorpe prints."

3. "The way it works is, you put in $2000, and then you get ten friends to join in and when you get to the top of the list, you get $20,000. You can't lose!"

4. "If you get a question from Helen Thomas, I'll give you five bucks to call her a 'demented fossil.'"

5. "So, Tony, what do you think of our shag carpeting? Get it? Shag carpeting? Come on, lighten up, baby. This is my scene, and it freaks me out! I thought all you guys talked like that."

6. "Oh, and if Bob Dole corners you and starts talking about erectile dysfunction, just give me this signal and one of my security detail will pretend you have a phone call."

7. "No, Tony, Laura and I haven't had marital relations since February. Ever since that Democrat fundraiser in New York, every time we try to get busy I picture Whoopi Goldberg's face staring out from her vagina... and who can get it up after that? Ted Danson, maybe, but not this cowboy."

8. "Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?"

9. "Well, now I'm going to have 'Funkytown' stuck in my head the whole bloody day. Thank you so bloody much."

10. "Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Bush. Damn Right."

On the March

Hezbollah "militants" march during a rally marking Jerusalem Day in Baalbek, eastern Lebanon, 12 November 2004.(Photo Credit: ANWAR AMRO/AFP/Getty Images)

1. "The camo means we're into military men, the yellow flags mean we're into watersports, and the white neckerchiefs mean we're all submissive."

2. "Girlfriend, I'd say those pants fail to camouflage the fact that your ass is as wide as a four-lane freeway. snap

3. "And anyone who tries to stop us is in for the Mother of All Hissy Fits."

4. "Hey-y-y-y-y, Macarena!"

5. Arab Culture's rigid conformity once again clashes with Rahim's desire to start a Village People cover band.

6. "Lift those knees high, girls... come on, Abdul, we know you can lift your ankles high enough."

7. "So, basically, instead of guns, we go into battle with yellow and white flags? This is the last time we take military training from the French."

8. "Don't worry, Scott Peterson. Hizballah will save you, you hot hunk of virile California manhood."

9."Damn it, this isn't Haifa, it's Pier 1 imports. Gimme the g-dd-mned map, Ahmed."

10. It's so hard to take an Army seriously when they can do an elegantly choreographed routine to ABBA's "Dancing Queen," but they can't carry rifles.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Yip. Yip. Yahoo.

A young Iranian boy protester wears mock explosives on his body during a rally to support Palestinians in Tehran Friday Nov. 12, 2004. (AP Photo/Hasan Sarbakhshian)

1. "Dad, maybe if you just asked Mr. Anderson for the table saw back, he'd give it to you. Do I have to blow up his entire family?"

2. "Dad said he loved me best, and that's why I get to blow up the... hey, wait a minute."

3. "Yeah, the kaffiyeh and bomb belt are pretty bad, but not as bad as when they make me wear the cocktail dress and f*ck me pumps."

4. "Cool. United just bumped me to first class and gave me 5,000 frequent flier miles. Thanks, ACLU."

5. "It still beats working for Kathy Lee Gifford."

6. "So, your fantasy is to combine a suicide bomber with a drum majorette? I hope you burn in hell, dad."

7. "Is that Arafat's dead, disembodied hand reaching for my crotch? Even in death he's still got it."

8. "Mr. Jackson only insists that I wear the veil in public. His Nation of Islam bodyguards suggested the explosives."

9. They warned Abdul that relationships on the rebound were doomed to fail, but he was determined to win over Governor McGreevey.

10. "Dorothy, you bitch, red tape on the dynamite and a green headband? Hello What were you thinking? Why not just wrap me in gold tinsel and call me a Christmas tree. If my girlfriends see me in this atrocity, they are going to take away all my princess points."

He's Dead. I'm Glad.

A Palestinian boy holds a poster of Palestinian President Yasser Arafat during the last Friday prayer of Ramadan in the West Bank city of Hebron November 12, 2004. (Nayef Hashlamoun/Reuters)

1. Hm, young boy surrounded by a bunch of bent over men... this has got to be Arafat's funeral.

2. The Pavlovian Reflex among all men who came of age under Arafat is to bend over and whimper expectantly at the mere sight of his image.

3. Arafat's will was very explicit. Every grown man in Palestine was to fart on his portrait while a young boy made kissy noises.

4. The winner of Arafat's "Best Kisser" contest shows off his souvernir plaque and kaffiyeh.

5. Scene from on of Arafat's favorite movies, Field of Reams. Tag-line, "If you bend over, he will come."

6. "Hey, I may only be nine years old, but even I know that 'Duck and Cover' isn't going to do sh*t when they drop the MOAB on us."

7. "... now, Arafat says, lick the dirt. Good, now bark like a dog. Ha! I didn't say Arafat says, you f*ckin' retards."

8. "Allah says you are very bad and need a spanking. (SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!). 20 dinars. Thank you. Next Customer. Allah says you are very bad and need a spanking...."

9. What's with the dudes in orange? Did the Fulton County jail send a delegation or something?

10. "Hey, Andrew Sullivan! Cut that out! Massaging your buttocks in such a manner is highly disrepectful to Allah."

Third Queen of the Day

Source: This is London

1. "My other fantasy is to shove it into a big jar of mustard."

2. "So, Liz, did you ever see a movie called Basic Instinct?"

3. Snapped in the instant before he lifted his kilt and yelled "Woooooo!"

4. "Can we trade hats?"

5. You know, taunting the "We'll try not to suck anymore" guys is just plain cruel.

6. "Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury".

7. Urban legend: Genitalia, peanut butter, Scotsman. Variation: Queen of England, Corgis, battalion of Scottish highlanders. Status: Unconfirmed - Snopes.com.

8. "Iraq was a nightmare... 14 weeks without Nair. Thank God I'm back in England."

9. "Do not touch Willy" Hmm, good advice.

10. "Screw you, I happen to be an immortal. I'll wave my genitals anywhere I please."

Theme of the Day: Butt Pirates in Purple and Black

Weird end of the season for Bill Maher who witnessed his own trainwreck of a show. It finished with uber-blogger Andrew Sullivan massaging his own ass for what seemed like an eternity during the credit roll. (pictured).

Hat tip: Andthenblammo and Dvorak Uncensored

1. "Well, I'll come back for next season's show, but I get to turn the stool upside down before I sit on it, deal?"

2. The way Andrew Sullivan grabs his ass whenever anyone says the word "Ashcroft" is just downright creepy.

3. "Well, if you blokes are too uptight, I'll just 'ave to play with me own arse."

4. "Look, I'm sorry, mates, but when your bum's been used more times than a toilet seat at a Grand Central Station, anal leakage becomes a real issue."

5. Hey, Sullivan, the Joker called. He wants his shirt back.

6. It's not Andrew's fault. He just read the name of the Teleprompter and got a little excited.

7. I don't want to say Andrew is a slut, but apparently his ass has its own cell phone.

8. "Hey, Andrew, 1994 called. They want their impression of Jim Carrey's talking ass back."

9. "In all honesty, Andrew, you are not too sexy for your ass."

10. "We tried to warn you, Andrew, hemorrhoids and Mexican food just don't mix, but did you listen? No-o-o-o-o."

Sorry Losers, Part IV

More from sorry-losers-dot-com

1. What? Bush lost the entire cross-dresser and pagan vote and still managed to win? How is this possible?

2. You had to stay up until 4:00 am on election night to see Dan Rather really lose it, but it was well worth the wait.

3. Eddie Murphy, your ride is here.

4. Once again, the PC mantra that "Everybody is a winner" is proven tragically wrong.

5. You know you're a bad transvestite when Courtney Love tells you you have no fashion sense.

6. Someone who was very disappointed to learn that the guys in the previous picture were going to try not to suck anymore.

7. He went on to add that he was sure if Joan Crawford were still alive, she would have added another vote to Kerry's 48%.

8. He's also sorry about having grown up with a domineering mother and a cold, distant father... but that's an entirely different issue.

9. Dated Dean, married Kerry, woke up with a rough trick named Renaldo.

10. "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, and I would totally slap you for it if my nails were dry."

Sorry Losers, Part III

(More from "Sorry losers dot com")

1. "Neil Gaiman Characters for Kerry" did not take the loss well.

2. Tim Burton tries to make amends.

3. She left out the comma. It was supposed to read. "I'm wicked, sorry. I'll make you all cookies." Oh, God, she's going to turn us into cookies!!!

4. No thanks on the cookies, if you could just try not to suck anymore, that would be fine.

5. Are cookies supposed to make you see magic green flying eyeballs?

6. Mary Kay LeTourneau acts out her 'Hansel and Gretel' fantasy.

7. As this CourtTV vidcap plainly shows, Martha Stewart blatantly tried to influence the jury by flashing messages when the judge wasn't looking.

8. Another reason to set your browser to block cookies.

9. I'm still trying to work out what it says in parantheses. I think it's, "I entered her wedge," whatever that's supposed to mean.

10. "... and by cookies, I mean windowpane."

Sorry Losers, Part II

Background: Some silly people have set up a website where hippies apologize for Bush winning. Sorryeverybody-dot-com, thus creating a target-rich environment.

1. Brian and Maureen had covering each other's farts down to a science.

2. Despite what Ashton and Demi would have you believe, inter-generational relationships are not pretty.

3. What she's thinking, "I need to get away from this whiny little bitch and get myself a big, rough, black stud."

4. What he's thinking. "I need to get away from this whiny little bitch and get myself a big, rough, black stud."

5. "Okay, you shits, ditch the 'deaf-mute' act and tell me who stole my stash!"

6. "Well, one of you soiled my waterbed, and I'm not returning your power of speech until one of you 'fesses up."

7. Mom had to promise Nigel a whole box of Froot Loops before he took his hands out of his pockets long enough to pose with the sign.

8. Miss Sullivan actually voted for Bush, but Nigel was one of her special students, and so she agreed to pose for the picture.

9. You know, I don't want to imply the guy in the picture is a complete moron, but it doesn't take a handwriting analyst to see the same person wrote both signs.

10. It took two hours for them to write out their signs. Betty kept sniffing the Marks-A-Lot until they dried out, and "Special Ed" kept using the wrong side of the markers.

Sorry Losers, Part I

1. "Well... maybe we'll try just a little more, just to make sure we don't like it."

2. Guilt-ridden ex-gays reach Step 10, apologize and make amends.

3. From now on, it's anal or nothing!

4. In the next photo, the butch on the right holds up a sign reading "And I will personally BEAT THIS TWINK's ASS for his insolance!"

5. The Kerry defeat is apparently not the only thing they find hard to swallow.

6. And we'll never vacation again in one of those awful red states with their gruff, aggressive, hillbillies, who hold you down, and tie you up, force you to get loaded up with moonshine, and then, when you're vulnerable, they force their sweaty, stinking bodies on you until... okay, maybe just one more trip to the Red States.

7. "Furthermore, our dorm room is seceding."

8. "Master, now that we have posed for the photo, may the slave loosen the chain on his neck before he passes out?"

9. "Hey, Rick, If I said you had a beautiful body would you take off your pants and dance a little?"

10. Adding the words "not" and "Any" to his new year's resolution enabled Rick to save a tree when it came to time to write a message for the photo.

Black Gloves and a Veil

A Palestinian woman flashes the victory sign in front of a poster of Corrupt, Psychopathic Pedophile Yasser Arafat during a demonstration in the West Bank city of Nablus, November 7, 2004. . REUTERS/Abed Omar Qusini

1. Elton John's new look went over well in France.
2. "... and then he whipped it out and it was two inches... tops... explains a lot, doesn't it?"
3. Mr. Slave dons traditional mourning robes and makes shadow pictures of things Arafat liked to shove up his ass.
4. The Gaza Playboy Lounge leaves a lot to be desired.
5. "Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck. Woooo Wooo Woooo."
6. Pavlovian Conditioning in Palestinian Areas is so strong that even a poster of Arafat causes passers-by to offer fingers to pull.
7. "I am death, and I have come to claim the soul of the one called 'Arafat.' What, you were expecting Norm MacDonald?"
8. That is not a 'victory sign' she can't freakin' breathe underneath that get-up and she's clawing for air.
9. Ah, the middle east, where feeling "not-so-fresh" is a way of life.
10. Michael Jackson makes his first public appearance since beating child molestation charges, simultaneously claiming victory and announcing his plans to do a politcally correct cover of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit."

Loving You... Is Easy Cos... You're Beautiful

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (R) embraces Cuban President Fidel Castro in Havana November 7, 2004. REUTERS/Cuban television

1. "You bastard! I am worth worth much more than a twenty!"
2. "Hey, you're not Santa."
3. "You're on my turf, bitch."
4. Ebert and Roper disagree violently on the relative merits of Dude, Where's My Penis? and The League of Extraodrinarily Hung Gentlemen
5. "Shixteen tequila fanny-bangers and you shtill don't look hot..."
6. "Normally, a lap dance is 200 pesos, but four you comrade..."
7. "Hey, amigo, what is this stain on your shirt?" Flick! Dumbass."
8. "Cough up my cock ring right now or I'm goin' in after it!"
9. "It's called foreplay. Try it, sometime, you insensitive prick!"
10. "So, you're the bastard who's been spamming my inbox with offers for V.I.@.G.R.@ and C!AL!S. I'm going to f**kin' kill you!!"

A Dead Man and His Jammies

1. The Make-a-Wish Foundation fulfilled Arafat's dream to recreate Madonna's "Material Girl" video, but came up a little shy on the hunky male chorus line part.

2. "Okay, which one of you hyenas would like to get on the chair with me and ride Chairman Arafat's Magic Lap elevator"

3. "Yasser is looking fabulous in custom-made french jammies with a zipper in the butt by LaCroix".

4. "It's a Palestinian Christmas tradition for young boys to drop their pants and sit on the Chairman's lap."

5. There's nothing wrong with Arafat. He always takes five guys with him when he uses the toilet.

6. "Okay, my grip is good, make a wish."

7. For Hallowe'en, Arafat apparently went as a condom.

8. "The Old Fart just loves watching plumbers at work... I think you can guess why."

9. "Okay, we were really hoping Kerry would win, but praise Allah, it is still funny watching Rather completely lose it."

10. "Only that sick old pervert would get turned on by somethingawful-dot-com"

8-6-7-5-3-0-9

Standing at his desk in the Oval Office, President George W. Bush receives a phone call from Democratic nominee John Kerry in which the Senator conceded defeat in the 2004 presidential election on November 3, 2004.(Eric Draper/The White House via Reuters )

1. "I got a man-date? Damn it, Rove, you know I don't swing that way. My man-date's not with Andrew Sullivan is it?"

2. "Hi Cokie... No, Dick's not here... Um, blue suit, white shirt, blue tie, and yourself? ... Crotchless panties and a garter?... kinda chilly for that, hope you're indoors."

3. "Hold on let me check... is there a Seymour Butts in here? Come on you guys, I wanna Seymour Butts."

4. "Barb, Jenna, I'm re-arranging the cabinet right now, can I call you back? What do you mean you only get one phone call?"

5. "Hello, Oval Office... What's that? ... 'Is the hit on Michael Moore still a go?' ... Uh, you want Cheney, let me transfer you."

6. "Hello, this is George W. Bush and I want four large pizzas with everything delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania... Damn, why do they always hang up."

7. "Hello, Batman? We need your help, caped crusader. The Joker just went Islamic and got himself a dirty nuke."

8. "No, we don't have 'Prince Albert in a Can', but Cheney's got a drifter named Leo tied up in the basement."

9. "I just want to hear some ABBA, lots and lots of ABBA. Don't make me issue an executive order on this!"

10. "Is this the Cocksucker residence? 121 Pussy Way? Zip Code 3212-Fuck You!!!"

Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil.

Network television news anchors Tom Brokaw (L), Dan Rather (C) and Peter Jennings look at the audience after a panel discussion during The New Yorker Festival, October 2, 2004. REUTERS/Alex Oliveira/The New Yorker

Hat tip: Frank IBC

1. "Shield your eyes... do not look directly at James Carville, it's like opening the Ark of the Covenant."

2. The three anchors had plenty of time to move out of the way of the charging Humveee, but their brains were paralyzed with hairspray.

3. It's the Truth... bright, shining, beautiful... shield your eyes look away lest we be turned into conservatives.

4. "Folks, we just don't have time for questions because Dan Rather's thorazine enema is just about to wear off and when that happens he's going to start masturbating like a deranged monkey."

5. ...But their awkward salutes did not impress the Being of Pure Light and Energy and it incinerated them.

6. "Jerry... Tom gets so drunk he can't get it up even with a Viagra-Cialis cocktail, Peter is a total skank, and Dan just likes me to hit him in the balls with a hammer and call him a 'bad, monkey-astronaut.'" TV NEWS ANCHOR GROUPIES, next on Springer.

7. "Wow, we always knew Cokie was limber, but Cheney must have glutes like Paul Hamm to hold that position."

8. "And that was the most drunk I ever got, your turn, Pete..."

9. "Dan just condemned Bush for failing to get the Castaways off Gilligan's Island. I was going to argue, but he's got a memo signed by the Skipper."

10. "So, on the topic of hummers from Barbara Walters, the votes are 1 for teeth in, 2 for teeth out."