Friday, October 29, 2004

Just Die Already!

Palestinian President Yasser Arafat (news - web sites) sits in a plane heading to France, October 29, 2004. (Hussein Hussein/Reuters)

1. "... and then Gisette here will lead the team in the tiny ship that will destroy the blockage in your colon. I'm sure your long relationship with Saddam has given you plenty of experience in having microscopic objects in your rectum."

2. "Yeah, you're right... it would be totally ironic if a bomb blew up the plane in midair."

3. "Let's see... three of us... one of whom is sick and on his deathbed... I think they'd surrender in two days... three tops."

4. "I see England/I see France/I see an aged, decrepit, psychopathic pedophile with a penchant for buggery and BO of feedlot proportions."

5. "So, are you in the Mile-High-Club? Damn! Okay, are you in the mile high sodomized with an AK-47 club? Damn! Okay, are you in the mile high sodomized with an AK-47 while blitzed on horse tranq wearing a soiled bridal garter on your head club? Damn..."

6. "... and, per your request, your in-flight movie will be Barely Legal Butt-Slammers IX."

7. "The Zionist media fell for the cover story perfectly. Now, divert this plane to Sweden, for the Chairman's operation, and Allah help you if he does not look exactly like Hillary Duff when we are finished."

8. "... and when we get to France, I'm going to shove a baguette up your poop chute and then force you to eat it. How do you like that, Mr. Slave?" "Jethuth Chritht."

9. "The pajamas were just for show. Normally, all he wears to bed is a butt-plug and a pair of nipple clamps."

10. "Corrupt Dictator Airlines welcomes you to France, and hopes the next time your plans include theft of foreign aid and brutal human rights violations, you'll think of us."

Die Die Why Won't You Just Freakin' Die Already!!!!

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat (news - web sites) blows a kiss as he leaves a Jordanian military helicopter upon arrival in Amman, Jordan, Friday Oct. 29. 2004. (AP Photo/Petra)

1. "Oh. I never should have shoved all those poor animals up my ass."

2. "Just give me a cough syrup enema, you said. I'll be fine, you said..."

3. "All right, I'll lube up my forearm with Vaseline and we'll play 'ventriloquist' one more time, but then you have to go to the hospital, okay?"

4. "And when I get really nervous, I put my fingers in my armpits, and then I smell them, like this."

5. "Syphilitic Dementia again? Okay, who are you this time, Greta Garbo or Evita Peron?"

6. "Oh, I can't take you any place, you drunken slut. Now stop flirting with Muqtada and let's get you home."

7."He's delusional... he keeps calling me 'Robin,' saying 'to the bat cave,' and proposing to whip my tender ass to a rosy red glow with his utility belt."

8. "His 'Depends' would take this inopportune moment to fail. Oh, look, a swarm is already forming to collect his Holy feces. I love the French.

9. Who would have thought a cancer-ravaged colon would actually improve his smell.

10. The spirits of all those you've killed are gathering to claim vengeance. See you in Hell, you demented, psychopathic bastard.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Six Hundred Threescore and Six

1. "Never mind those four guys on horseback, they're part of my entourage."

2. "And when I am elected, and the Great Old Ones rise from their eternal slumber to reclaim the Earth once more, it will be a fresh start for America."

3. "George W. Bush thinks he is the Christ... well, I guess you know what that makes me."

4. "And now, my minions, watch as my dark master turns the moon red and dark. FOR I AM YOUR GOD!"

5. A lunar eclipse, the Red Sox win the series, and this picture. How many freakin' clues do you need!?!"

6. "The whore is going to Babylon? But I thought Madonna opposed the war in Iraq?"

7. "Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psycological, Damien, and powerful. So don't listen to him. Remember that - do not listen." - The Exorcist

8. "My Dark Father Assures me of a landslide... once Bush's base is raptured into heaven on November 1st."

9. He levitated Tuhrayzuh, Bill Clinton, and Jimmuh Carter easily, but all the Satanic powers of Hell were not enough to lift Elizabeth Edwards.

10. "He must DIE, Mr. Thorn!"

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


Patrick Deuel prepares to stand with the help of a registered nurse and physical therapist in his room at Avera McKennan Hospital in Sioux Falls, S.D. on Aug. 19. At 1,072 pounds before he entered Avera McKennan Hospital in June, Deuel, 42, has since lost over 400 pounds.- Stuart Villanueva / Argus Leader

1. "Like another African American performer, the potent combination of skin lightening treatments, an eating disorder, and accusations of paedophilia led to his downfall." Fat Albert: The E! True Hollywood Story

2. Desperate to find the perfect actor to play Michael Moore, Oliver Stone finally resorted to reanimating Marlon Brando's corpse.

3. Elizabeth Edwards blows a crucial swing state by sitting on a group of undecided voters in Ohio.

4. NEA Funding Criteria: Portraying Jesus as a homosexual - Cool. Portraying Buddha in physical therapy - Not cool.

5. Mattel unveiled the World's Largest Cabbage Patch doll today.

6. For his science fair project, Billy used an obese man and two filipino nurses to demonstrate Jupiter's gravitational field.

7. "O.K., now if you'll just wait until the laws of physics are no longer in effect, we can help you out of your chair."

8. Three words: Tectonic Bowel Movements

9. "Could you stand in front of the window for a little while? We wanna play 'Eclipse.'"

10. "Kathleen, if you say 'Get in my belly' one more time, I swear to God, I'm going to wait until your right in front and push him over."

Which one is Moby?

1. "Ah, thank you for letting me borrow your ... BRA-A-A-CK, Grrrrrn the sow is ours. Your mother sucks c*cks in hell ... Bible, I must have left mine in the car."

2. "I am a religious man. I've studied the Bible, and my favorite part is Where Jebus finds out that Joseph is not his real father and moves to California with his best friend, Jerry the Baptist, in the midst of the Great Depression."

3. "How to work it in? Um ... religion... angels... Angels in America... Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian... I think I can pull this off."

4. After marrying Tuhrayzuh, John Kerry became an honorary castrati.


6. Bill Clinton is in the picture, actually, down below eye level trying to look - up the choir's robes and muttering, "Hey baby, come back to my hotel and I'll give you a real religious experience."

7. "... because a black man would never give up a rib! Ha ha ha! What's wrong, are you people uptight or something?

8. "Don't none of you ladies know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies? Well, fiddle-dee-dee."

9. "O.K., anything for the African-American vote. I promise that after I'm elected, all public schools will be required to teach that the white race was created by an evil Jewish scientist named Yacub!"

10. "This is not a campaign stunt. When I was a boy, 11, 12 years old... I was a black, African-American woman, and I sang in the church choir."

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Ace, How Can You Do This To Gary?

Hat Tip: Gabrielle at LGF

1. "Hold me closer, tiny dancer..."

2. "Just remember, it's not whether you win or lose, it how you...hey those pants make your ass look really sexy!

3. "Hey, John, quick question. If you and Hillary were to go on a goose hunt and somebody yelled 'Incoming!' is there any chance you'd have a Vietnam flashback and start shooting everybody in sight? Any chance at all?"

4. "Middle Aged GWM, sixties peacenik, far-left politics, in joyless marriage with foul-mouthed harridan, seeks comfort and release in the arms of sweaty man-sex." Another eHarmony-dot-com success story.

5. "You know what they say about politics John. You can put lipstick on a pig all you want, but at the end of the day, Elizabeth Edwards still looks like Michael Moore in drag."

6. "Remember back in 72... same position except we were naked and Jane Fonda was in the middle?"

7. "You know, ever since the heart attack, the doctor won't let Hillary wear the strap on. Doing anything later?"

8. "You ever try frottage? A guy named Throbert introduced me to it?"

9. "Don't worry, it's just a cold sore, I promise."

10. "So, you good to go, or is your ass still sore from 'packing away' Andrew Sullivan's endorsement?"

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Hags for Kedwards

Janice King waves a sign in support of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., while demonstrating near one of President Bush's campaign stops in Canton, Ohio on Friday, Oct. 22, 2004. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)
Hat Tip: Frank IBC

1. My guess is this isn't the first time she's performed a trick for a couple of Johns.

2. Vote Kerry Edwards... or she will take off her top.

3. The Courtney Love marionette had to be removed from Team America: World Police because it caused vivid psychotic nightmares among test audiences.

4. This photo had approximately the same effect on my last remaining shreds of heterosexuality as a blow torch has on a popsicle.

5. She was an undecided voter until John Edwards proclaimed that under a Kerry administration "the hideous and disagreeable shall be made hot and desireable" thanks to stem cell research.

6.After John Edwards car accident, he woke up in a remote mountain cabin, chained to a bed, with this woman proclaiming herself his #1 fan!

7. (Obscure reference alert) For the Kerry-Edwards bake sale, she just pressed her face into some dough and made gorilla cookies.

8. The real reason for Howard Dean's scream? He looked out into the audience and saw this.

9. She blames Bush for a lot of things, but it was the cancellation of Xena: Warrior Princess that drove her vow to "lick Bush in 2004."

10. The kind of girl you take home to mother... if mother is a cigaretty ex-hooker.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet...

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry pets hunting dog Woody as Bob Bellino looks on after a goose hunting outing in Springfield Township, Ohio, October 21, 2004.
REUTERS/Brian Snyder

1. "Would somebody tell Ned Beatty to knock off the g-ddam squealing!"

2. "Your puppies are dead, get it? Next time I tell you to retrieve the f***ing goose, you will retrieve the f***ing goose, got it?"

3. "Uh, Senator, I wouldn't bend over if I were you. There's a reason we named him 'Woody.'"

4. "Don't worry about Tuhrayzuh. She just had a big bowl of her 'special' Raisin Bran. She'll be out until at least 2:00 in the afternoon."

5. "What's that Scooby? I'm a 'rig, rhony rerk and reverybody rows rit?' Sorry, can't understand."

6. "Tom Green and Johnny Knoxville will give you the endorsement, but only if you put your tongue in the dog's mouth."

7. "Oh, just ignore the growling. Dogs can sense evil, that's all."

8. "The new polls are in. 87% of Florida voters think you're an effete, effeminate girly man. Looks like you have to wrestle the alligator after all."

9. "Um, he can't really answer that question, but I'm sure he knows who you are, senator."

10. "Not only is he a great hunting dog, he's also registered to vote in three different counties."

Parlez-vous baseball?

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry (news - web sites) and members of his staff watch Game 7 of the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees from their hotel room in Boardman, Ohio October 20, 2004.

1. "Is Edwards finished with his hair yet? He's been in there for two hours and I've really got to drain 'Little John' if you know what I mean."

2. "As a regular guy, I greatly enjoy watching the local baseball squadron while drinking ... what do you peasants call this brownish yellow substance in the brown bottles again?"

3. "Damn it, we should have known two five-gallon buckets of fried chicken wouldn't be enough. Who invited Michael Moore, anyway?"

4. "Don't get that excited, you guys. The bulges are from their cups."

5. "Come on, you guys, in my country, Jerry Lewis is regarded as a genius!"

6. "O.J., stop kicking Janeane Garofalo when nobody's looking, we all know it's you."

7. "So, when does Manny Ortiz get his turn at bat?"

8. "What I don't understand is... why is the Coyote so stupid? Why doesn't he just get a shotgun, crawl around on his stomach, and shoot the Roadrunner?"

9. "Tuhrayzuh's in the bedroom watching the Thorazine parade. Hopefully, that'll keep her mouth shut for the next two weeks."

10. "'Bull Durham' always reminds me of when I was in Vietnam, mainly of the time I got wasted and woke up next to a gook hooker that looked just like Susan Sarandon... if she were middle-age and oriental... and a guy."

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Attack of the 50 Foot Kerry

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., gestures to the crowd as he speaks at an early vote kickoff rally in Orlando, Fla. Monday, Oct. 18, 2004. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

1. “Cower, puny Earthlings! Run and mule and puke in terror! Bwah hah hah ha ha ha!”

2. The little man who lives in Kerry’s crotch (Nedra Pickler) reaches out his microphone for a comment.

3. The new Democratic poster was based on Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam", with Kerry in the place of Adam, and God airbrushed out by order of the ACLU.

4. Unfortunately, the photographer had forgotten to take the “Ego-filter” off his lens, thus revealing how Kerry really thought of himself relative to mere mortal humans.

5. “Oh, God, he just stepped on Bambi! The horror! The horror!”

6. As his ego grew to gigantic dimensions, Kerry called upon God to pull his finger.

7. Obligatory obscure reference “One of my son-of-a-bitch secret service agents spilled Pepsi on a nuclear reactor, next thing I knew…”

8. “I would be highly grateful if any of you peasants could dislodge this keyboard from my groin.”

9. Japanese Man 1: RUN! IT'S GODZILLA! Japanese Man 2: It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws - it's not. Japanese Man 1: STILL! WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!Japanese Man 2: Though it isn't.

10. "Puny Earthlings! Your green energy barrier cannot stop Johnzilla, ha-ha-ha."

Monday, October 18, 2004

The Iron Dingbat

SANTA MONICA, CA - OCTOBER 15: Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York) gives a speech at a Democratic Senate fundraising concert featuring The Red Hot Chili Peppers on October 15, 2004 in Santa Monica, California. (Photo by Amanda Edwards/Getty Images)

1. Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D - New York) pokes her imaginary friend "Giant Poppinfresh" after drinking Electric Kool-Aid with Flea.

2. "I tried to warn Martha Stewart to stick to cattle futures, but no-o-o-o-o-o..."

3. "Damn! That house is headed straight for my sister! Look out!

4. "Is that a dagger I see before me/Its handle turned to my hand/Come, let me clutch thee/Or maybe I'll just plug Vince Foster with a .38 instead."

5. "And up there, I think I see the ghosts of Eleanor Roosevelt and Alice B. Toklas ... smiling down on all of us. What's that Eleanor, you want to pull my finger? Oh, yes... YES!!!"

6. "Would someone pull Mrs. Edwards away from the buffet table. Would several someones pull Mrs. Edwards away from the buffet table."

7. The sound man may have thought playing Spinal Tap's "Big Bottom" as an entrance cue for Mrs. Clinton was funny, but two weeks later he was found dead in an alley with a cushion stuffed in his mouth and his "pink torpedo" cut off.

8. "No, I don't have the gag reflex to deep throat this mike, but bring me a large trout and watch me go to town."

9. "So, you think pencil doesn't beat rock? Well, what does index-finger-jammed-through-your-windpipe beat?"

10. "Ich will sie toten!"

Friday, October 15, 2004

Today's Target: Another Pompous Irish Blowhard

(Real Caption)
Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, left, speaks with hosts Regis Philbin, center and Kelly Ripa during an appearance on 'Live with Regis and Kelly' Thursday Oct. 14, 2004, in New York. (AP Photo/Buena Vista Television, HO)
- Yahoo News

1. "Great Interview, Kelly, and nothing says 'Job well done' like a nice hot shower and loofah with a middle-aged talk-show host, am I right, Reeg?"

2. "I don't know why some chicks are turned off by lesbian erotica ... personally I find it most compelling ..."

3. "Screw that skank, and screw her lawsuit. What are you lookin' at me like that for? Because I'll take this belt off and lay the smackdown on you, is that what you want?"

4. "She had really huge... tracts of open land."

5. Regis: "Bill, I know this is a stressful time, but you got to relax. Me, I just like to kick back in my dressing room, light up a doobie, and watch porn in my underwear. So, when do we come back from commercial? What do you mean thirty seconds ago?"

6. "Kelly, if I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd swear you were coming on to me."

7. "I swear it was this big... I mean, I always suspected Brit Hume was huge, but damn!"

8. "Sssh, Kelly, sweeheart, the men are trying to have a 'grown-up' conversation. Why don't you go whip me up some pancakes."

9. "So, Kelly... you doin' anything after the show. I keep a little place over at the Morningwood Estates... It's the only place I go that isn't a 'no spin' zone, if you know what I mean."

10. "So, is this the show with Pimpbot 3000? I've always wanted to meet him."

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

"Pampered" Terrorist

Israeli soldiers arrest Imad Qawasmeh in the divided West Bank town of Hebron. The Israeli army arrested a top military leader of the radical Palestinian group Hamas, accused of masterminding a string of deadly anti-Israeli attacks.(AFP/Hazem Bader)

1. "Well, if you had just answered the 'boxers or briefs' question, Mr. Smarty-Terrorist, you wouldn't be standing there right now would you?"

2. "Something about stealing them from kids and somehow making a fortune, I'm a little vague about the details."

3. "Man, this guy is, like, the worst poker player ever."

4. "Check it out, guys. Nipple-Clamp scars. This guy is definitely part of Arafat's inner circle."

5. "Umm, 'have him shaved and brought to my tent,' is just an expression. What do you mean 'no, it isn't?'"

6. "Damn, arrested right in the middle of posting my analysis of the Texas ANG memos to the blogosphere."

7. "Terrorist? Me? A terrorist? No way! My name is... um, Dieter. Do you want to touch my monkey?"

8. "I guess we know why Hamas has stopped chanting 'Allah Akhbar' and replaced it with 'Who Wears Short-Shorts."

9. "All right, Mr Slave. We're only going to ask you one more time, what happened to Lemmiwinks?"

10. It was only when the IDF soldiers began trading quotes from Deliverance that the terrorist finally broke down and 'squealed.'

Yellow Hats and Shady Ladies ... How Can I Miss?

South Korean prostitutes take part in a rally in Pyeongtaek, to protest a recent police crackdown on South Korea's sex trade
- (AFP/Jung Yeon-Je) - Yes, it's a real news story.

1. Curious George immediately realized ... this was his lucky day.

2. Blatant cheating by the Yellow Team in the All-Asia Kinky Tic-Tac-Toe competition.

3. Charlie Sheen stared blearily at the photo. "Did her... did her... did that strange androgynous thing in the middle... Did her..."

4. The custom of Korean prostitutes wearing yellow Yankees caps originated during Babe Ruth's 1928 Asian Brothel Watersports Tour.

5. Over the objections of his heart surgeon, Bill Clinton insisted on flying to Korea to mediate the dispute.

6. "Change of plans, girls. Senator Kennedy now wants you all dressed in Star Fleet uniforms."

7. "John Kerry says prostitution and terrorism are pretty much the same thing. Guess that explains the $25,000 checks from Hamas I get every time I screw an Israeli john."

8. "X Marks the Spot to 'bury the treasure.' So, Hugh Grant's back to the old Pirate Fantasy again, huh?"

9. "No, when I said she was 'f*cking goofy again,' I just meant she was acting weird. We haven't actually seen Dennis Kucinich around here in months."

10. Dick Cheney sighed. "Sorry, ladies, you got it wrong. Cokie Roberts love me long time. We go all night, you savvy?"

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Two Bitter Feminists and a Bald Guy Walk into a Bar...

MoveOn-dot-org co-founder Joan Blades (on the left) shares a panel discussion with International Answer co-founder Gloria la Riva (on the right) at the 40th anniversary of the Free Speech Movement in Berserkely, CA, October 8, 2004. --- Zombie

1. "You would be amazed at how much pleasure the oppressed African on my right can give you with just two fingers. It was so intense, I almost had a facial expression."

2. "For the next phase of operation 'Silent Shudder', we will use code names. I will be 'Medusa,' the man on my right will be 'Big Daddy,' and the woman to my far right will be called 'Hatchet Face.'"

3. "I've answered this question twice already... the man on my right did not play the Arab guy in Office Space."

4. "... and for goddess's sake, do not forget, Michael Moore requires two, repeat, two whole roasted pigs stuffed with figs in his dressing room."

5. "How many bitter, non-orgasmic women does it take to run a left-wing organization? Two."

6. "There's only enough food in the bunker for two days. After that, we eat the bald guy."

7. Jamal is shocked to learn that after the Revolution, all men will become shaved eunuchs.

8. "He likes to dip his smooth, bald head in vegetable oil... and rub it all over my body."

9. "... by the way, whoever was in charge of the panel's refreshments ... 'drinking the Kool-Aid' is just an expression."

10. "Okay, so, if we count Rainbow's helper monkey, that makes two people under the age of 60 in the audience..."

Monday, October 11, 2004

And Now For Something Completely Different

I love football. In fact, I would much rather watch any given game than another debate any day. It's autumn. It'll be nicer next year when there won't be an election to screw with it.

1. O.K., I hooked that field goal wide right, now where's my payoff?

2. Yeah, that last hit on the head was a little hard, but really I feel perfectly flapjack molasses dandelion.

3. "Actually, I'm just watching the game. My parents have made me wear this ever since I tried to chew my sister's ear off.

4. "Put on the helmet, play nice with the other kids, and try to remember not to lick the windows."

5. "So it's agreed then? The losing team has to do a slow striptease in their own end zone."

6. "Don't sweat it, G. The refs wear cups for a reason, and it's the school's liability anyway."

7. "Hey, if God had wanted you to catch that pass, you would have. So the question is not 'Why did I fumble?', but 'What have I done to make God angry?' Have you been touching yourself?"

8. "Forget about the penalty... peep the MILF in the bleachers with the 44D's and the Daisy Dukes."

9. The sad part is, they can still outplay the Lions.

10. "You can deny steroid use all you want, but your tight end just put his fist through a cinder-block wall."

Afghan Democracy: It's a Good Thing

Afghan election workers sort ballots at a counting center in Kabul October 11, 2004.
- Yahoo News

1. The Kabul High School Yearbook Committee sorts ballots in the Mock Election, including votes for "Loveliest Burkha" and "Most Likely to Become a Martyr."

2. Team Afghanistan surges to the lead in the 2004 World Origami Cup

3. In another mixed sign of progress, Afghanistan Penthouse Forum is overwhelmed with letters from lonely goatherds, who never thought it would happen to them.

4. "This can not be right... everyone in Vardak Province voted for Pat Buchanan?"

5. Lucy and Ethel just before the voting machines speeded up and they had to force the ballots into their... um, orifices.

6. "Really? With Dick Cheney... Oh, that Cokie Roberts is one lucky infidel."

7. Counting votes was hard work, especially with the Being of Pure Light and Energy constantly peering over their shoulders.

8. "It would be much easier to do this if you would stop provocatively rubbing my groin."

9. "No, we must send all of these TPS reports back. They have the wrong cover page."

10. "Nothing left but wrappers. I see Sally Struthers got to the food relief shipment before we did."

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Ten Captions About One Debate

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry (L) and U.S. President George W. Bush (news - web sites) listen to a question from the audience during the town hall format debate at Washington University in St. Louis Missouri, October 8, 2004
- Yahoo News/ REUTERS/Rick Wilking US ELECTION

1. Finding no takers, John Kerry finally just gives up and pulls his own finger.

2. Bush and Kerry respond to an "undecided voter's" challenge to act out the scene in "Basic Instinct" where Sharon Stone flashes her cooter.

3. "Don't pretend it wasn't you, Kerry... I can smell it from way over here and so can the transvestite in the front row over there."

4. Asked how he would meet the global threat of terrorism, Kerry tries to lead the group in a round of "Kum-by-yah." Bush doesn't know the words.

5. "This president has failed to connect with the concerns of middle class Americans... and I thought you peasants ought to know that... so you can attack him with your pitchforks, and torches, and primitive farming implements."

6. "Come on, Springfieldians, how could you not want a geunine bona fide, electrified, certifed monorail!!"

7. "Let me tell you, Jerry, I feel wronged... I feel hurt and betrayed." Then, Bush threw a chair at his head.

8. "Three Klingon birds-of-prety decloaking off the port bow! Shields up! Hard to starboard." Of all the debate formats, Kobayashi Maru was by far the most annoying.

9. "Wow, check the feed on monitor two. Cheney is really slamming it to Cokie Roberts in the green room."

10. As Kerry continued his attacks, Bush simply retreated to a happy fantasy involving Kerry, five pounds of bacon in his pants, and a pack of starving Rotweilers.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Jawohl! Mein Pumpkinfuhrer!

U.S. President George W. Bush waves to supporters alongside Tim Michels (R), a candidate for the U.S. Senate, at an election rally in Wausau, Wisconsin, October 7, 2004.
- Yahoo News

1. "So help me, Linus, if the only thing that shows up this year is a g-ddamed beagle in a flying suit, I am so kicking your ass."

2. "Criminy, can't a couple of guys take a leak without the press all over us?"

3. "When you said 'let's go behind the bushes for a handroll,' I thought you were talking about sushi."

4. "It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A... Y-M-C-A..."

5. "Just dandy. We could have made it home from the ball, but you just had to stop at Wendy's late night Drive-Thru. Now, how am I going to get home to my wicked step-sisters?"

6. "You know what would be fun? We grab a few of these pumpkins, carve Michael Moore's face on them, and blast away with our air rifles."

7. "No, when I said 'Look at the potted pansies," I was not talking about Andrew Sullivan."

8. "Not bad, but I think if you release your grip at the top of the arc, we can get another four yards out of the next dwarf."

9. "Well, thanks to the little 'accident' with the superglue, it looks like I'll have to spend the rest of the campaign with your hand on my ass. Thank you so very much."

10. "I don't really like the way Halloween's become so commercialized... I just want to burn some pagans."

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

The Big Dick Is In The House

Vice President Dick Cheney makes a point during his debate with Democratic vice presidential nominee Senator John Edwards (news - web sites) at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, October 5, 2004. Photo by Shaun Heasley/Reuters

1. "One baby! It was only one baby and it happened to be delicious."

2. "Come on, Edwards, smell it. You know you want to."

3. "Around the house, we refer to my daughter Mary as 'the little Dutch boy,' for obvious reasons."

4. "And one time with Cokie Roberts, in the NPR Green Room. Top that, pretty boy!"

5. "No, Mr. Edwards, I expect you to die."

6. "When I snap my fingers, you will dance around naked and pretend to be Donna Summer."

7. "Leave this body! The power of Christ compels you!"

8. "What it be, blood. Kerry say he peep two Americas. On the flipside, de whole doodad mutual - America sees two Raz'tus Kerrys. Jive-ass mutha-f*ck*ah don't know shit."

9. "Hey! You said *I* could eat that booger!"

10. "Yeah, I may be a pasty-faced bald middle-aged white guy, but at least I was never voted 'Biggest Douchebag in the Universe.'"

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Talking to the Hand

An Iraqi woman waves as she passes U.S. soldiers on patrol in Samarra, Iraq on Sunday.
- Air Force Times

1. "Aren't you kind of heavy to be a goth chick?"

2. "That reminds me... I sure do miss big black bags of fresh potatoes."

3. "Sorry, I didn't get that you were in a box and I don't get that you're walking against a strong wind... you're just not a very good mime."

4. "'Talk to the hand' goes the other way, girlfriend."

5. "No, that's my pistol... I am not necessarily happy to see you."

6. "'Off to steal a child,' you gypsies crack me up. Have a nice day."

7. "G-d, I've been in Iraq so long that's actually starting to look good to me... Hell, I've been in Iraq so long the South Park episodes with Satan and Saddam are starting to look pretty hot to me."

8. "True, she could be hiding a Dodge Caravan full of explosives under that outfit, but I would rather chew my own arm off than strip search her."

9. "Hey, wanna swap outfits? I gotta keep the gun, though."

10. "Ah, I get it, 'the cursed hand of death demands fresh blood,' that's cute. Happy Hallowe'een, y'all."

Monday, October 04, 2004


Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat (news - web sites) covers his face during an emergency cabinet session at his office in the West Bank city of Ramallah.
- AFP/Abbas Momani)

1. "The smell of my feet is now unbearable even to me."

2. "OMG, I haven't laughed so hard in forever. Tell me again about Kerry is going to get the French to support American foreign policy."

3. The ghosts of Ramadan Past, Present, and Yet-to-Come showed Arafat how he had wasted his life and brought misery to millions. The next morning, Arafat still didn't give a crap.

4. "Dead possum! Praise Allah, we eat tonight!"

5. "Stop crying. It's just a temporary server outage. We're sure hyenaboys-dot-com will be back on-line by bedtime."

6. "Yup, just broke another vase. I told you taking the Chairman to Pottery Barn in the middle of a crystal meth bender was a bad idea."

7. "Dude, don't just blow into your hands... that's what you have 20 yards of polyester wrapped around your head for."

8. "Look at the bright side, chief. Your compund may be nothing but rubble, but you're still registered to vote in LA, Chicago, and New Jersey."

9. "Yeah, chief, it's bad... the Israelis just busted a bunch of your guys in Gaza, the EUros are going to hold back on their aid, and on Kos's Fantasy Terrorism Game, you've been put up for trade, but nobody wants you."

10. "Yes, these hands are stained with the blood of children that all the oceans of the world could never wash clean... it's pretty cool, actually."

Dancing in the Dork at the End of the World As We Know It

Michael Stipe, left, of R.E.M and Bruce Springsteen perform at the 'Vote For Change' concert Friday, Oct. 1, 2004, in Philadelphia.
- Yahoo News

1. Stipe then performed a pagan fertility dance in tribute to Springsteen's crotch.

2. The small alien creature approaches the abductee, waving its anal probe.

3. This is the part of the sketch where the fairy princess (Stipe) sprinkles magical pixie dust on the unconscious form of the prince (Ted Kennedy in his regular, Saturday night Tequila Coma.)

4. "I could end this with one good swing," thought Bruce. "But, dammit, this is the only yellow guitar I got."

5. "Stipe, there aren't tiny green lizards all over your feet trying to steal your soul ... I warned you about eating tiny pictures of Mickey Mouse with the fat Dixie Chick."

6. "98.7 Megahertz?... 99.3 Megahertz? ... I don't know... What the hell do I look like, a freakin' ham radio nut?"

7. "20 years ago, I had Courtney Cox dancing in front of me... now, it's the freak from the movie Powder. Somebody please kill me."

8. "OK, Stipe, so Janet Leigh was in your dead pool... but dancing about it is just f*cking tasteless!"

9. "Look, Stipe, I said it turned me on when John Travolta did that, but for the last time- YOU'RE NO JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!"

10. "Okay fine... first word, sounds like 'FREAK'... second word, sounds like 'FREAK'... third word..."

Friday, October 01, 2004

What They Really Wanted to Say

Democratic nominee John Kerry and President George W. Bush speak at the conclusion of their first presidential debate, at the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida September 30, 2004.
- Photo by Jim Bourg/Reuters

1. (Bush)"Hey, watch the hands, 'Ace.' Edwards may dig it, but I don't swing that way."

2. (Kerry)"I may look like Lurch, but at least I don't have Uncle Fester for my vice-president."

3. (Bush)"Yeah, well, the Packers play at Lambeau Field, there's no such player as Manny Ortez, and people from Michigan hate the Buckeyes, dumb-ass."

4. (Kerry)"Go choke on a pretzel, peasant-hugger."

5. (Bush)"You know what I got here? It ain't tan-in-a-can, it's whoop-ass, and I'm gonna open it up on your sorry butt."

6. (Kerry)"Bring it on, I'll flip-flop you into the middle of next week."

7. (Bush)"Yeah, right. By the way, I talked to your wife, she said a baseball ain't the only thing you can't get over the plate and into the mitt."

8. (Kerry)"I'll throw you like I threw my medals over the wall. Ribbons. Whatever."

9. (Bush)"Shitcan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, too/Pashwan, Islamabad, camel-cunt stew/Iraq ain't Vietnam, not with Rumsfeld in my crew/ And this Texas cowboy'll kick the crap out of you... there, you just got served, mutha-f*ckah."

10. (Kerry)"Jim Carrey makes a better speaker than you when he's talking from his ass!"