Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Kerry Reads to the League of Doughy Faced Voters

Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry (news - web sites), D-Mass., reads questions posed to him from the Wisconsin State Journal at a town meeting at the River Valley Middle School in Spring Green, Wis., Monday, Sept. 27, 2004. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)

Yahoo News

1. "Check out this freak with the phony orange tan in USA To... hey!"

2. "Ah, thanks... I'll be back in a minute. I have to drop off some windsurfers in the lagoon, if you know what I mean."

3. "Oh, here's a coupon for macaroni and cheese. You peasants like your macaroni and cheese, don't you?"

4. "Just scannin' the obits to see if any married billionaires bought the farm last week..."

5. "Ah, so that's who 'Batboy' is.

6. Kerry confronts a heckler. "You think I should check the want ads to see if Willy Wonka's chocolate factory is hiring? Well, all right..."

7. "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..." Kerry begins to think that Tuhrayzuh sent the wrong letter to the editor.

8. "These personals ads always crack me up. Listen to this one, 'African-American female, sexy sixty-something, caught in loveless marriage with feckless gigolo, seeks a man who knows where to 'shove it.'' Really, where do they find these people?"

9. "'No MONEY DOWN?' Why he must crazy to sell new cars at these prices. Oh, wait, according to this other part of the ad, he is. Anyway, sorry for the distraction, I'll continue reading from the Unabomber's manifesto."

10. "All right, bring out the teenage neo-nazi strippers who hate their lesbian parents..." How in Hell did Springer talk me into guest-hosting his show...

The President Is Free to Move About the Cabin

President Bush poses for a photo taken by one of 292 soldiers headed for Kuwait — and ultimately Iraq — at Bangor International Airport in Maine on Thursday. Bush had already boarded Air Force One, but deplaned so he could greet the troops during their refueling stop in Bangor. Susan Walsh / AP photo

Air Force Times

1. "Ha! I found you! Time to unleash the 'tickle-monster!'"

2. "Please return your seats to their full upright and locked positions ... as if five degrees of recline are going to make the difference between survival and flaming death if we crash."

3. "Why do you guys keep snickering every time I say 'upright position.'"

4. Fortunately, the camera's flash fried the Bushbot's optical processors, saving everyone from certain doom.

5. "Barb and Jenna said they wished they could join the 'mile high club' with you guys, but I told 'em the military doesn't have a frequent flyer plan."

6. "Well, the in-flight movie has Kevin Costner in it, so I'm betting you guys'll be happy to arrive in Iraq."

7. "And when you get to Iraq, would you bring me back some oil? ... hee hee, little joke for the Nader people."

8. "Maybe I can help you fellas... I speak jive."

9. "You say you fellas are just leavin' on your honeymoon? Well, damn, this is awkward."

10. "Hey, look... it's John Denver... and JFK jr ... and Buddy Holly..." Suddenly, the soldiers realized the ticketman's warning that "this plane is going to Hell" was not a metaphorical reference to Iraq.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Meanwhile, in a bar not far from Lambert Field

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry sits with a beer to watch some of the NFL football game between the Green Bay Packers and the Indianapolis Colts at the Main Street Pub and Grill in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, September 26, 2004.

1. This game is called "Spot the obvious caption." Did you guess, "Pull my finger?"

2. "We love slumming with you humble peasant-folk. Tomorrow, Tuhrayzuh is going to be watching 'Days of Our Lives' in a hair salon in Kenosha."

3. "Whoa! Some game. I haven't seen a big, heavy guy take a blow like that since Clinton was in office."

4. "I'm a regular, sports-loving guy. So, how is the local squadron doing in this match? Have they scored many touchgoals?"

5. "Bring me another beer, and while you're at it, ask Garth Brooks to pull my finger."

6. "My economic plan is simple... just marry a billionaire widow."

7. "Wow, the bartender sure did get pissy when I tried to pay in Sacajawea dollars."

8. "Tuhrayzuh's had a headache for the last four months and... long story short, is there any chance Janet Jackson will show up and pop out her joybags again?"

9. "Damn, the Colts are in a real quagmire. They should just quit the game."

10. "Why am I wearing buttless leather chaps? Let's just say, I have another 'photo-op in a bar' in twenty minutes. Plus, they feel nice."

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Sister Pali Boom Boom

A Palestinian woman stands on the rubble of her house after two large apartment buildings were blown up by Israeli troops during a raid at the Khan Younis refugee camp in southern Gaza Strip
Yahoo News

1. "He's got the whole world ... ... in his hands..."*

2. The Who's Reunion Tour seems to be going well.

3. "No, Tuhrayzuh, I don't want my children to run around naked. WTF is wrong with you."

4. The disguise almost worked, Dan Rather almost made it to the Mexican border when the guards noticed one of his boobies had slipped below his hemline.

5. "Godzilla continues to attack the city. Martyrs are detonating themselves against his ankles. What futility! Damn, our culture sucks and blows."

6. "Damn! My entire collection of 'Car Swarm Flesh' was in there."

7. "Now... this next one's a fixer-upper, a real 'handyman's special,' but it's definitely in your price range."

8. "Damn! I go out to one Leonid Brezhnev look-alike contest, and look what I have to come home to."

9. "You see kids. This is why we can't have nice things!" (Thanks, CJ)

10. "Mo, it wasn't the Israelis... Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell were playing 'Johnny-on-a-Pony.'" (Thanks CJ)

* Yeah, it's a rerun, but how could I not?

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Conservatroid Keg Party

National Review last weekend held a party in the home of one of their editors. (I would love to attend, unfortunately, the only friend who would also be into it lives in Detroit and besides, $1,000 per couple buys a lot of food and clothing and a little bit of shelter) Earlier today, NRO posted some pictures from the party. Since I've been ripping on Kerry a lot lately, I'll take this opportunity to show how fair and balanced I can be.

1. Derb, we're all impressed that you can fart the Chinese National Anthem, but doing so in front of an open fireplace seems... ill-advised.

2. "She only had one boob... but it came out to hyar!"

3. "It's the Big One... I'm comin' Elizabeth..."

4. John Derbyshire introduces everyone to 'Harvey'... an invisible, six-foot, Home Depot Employee.

5. They knew Derb was 'faced when he turned around, zipped up, and said, "Hey, man, your fireplace won't flush."

6. The "Hock-a-Loogie on a portrait of Andrew Sullivan" game seems to be going well.

7. "Hey... I got an idea, let's forge some documents and fax 'em to CBS, see if they'll fall for it. I done it b'fore. 's'fun!"

8. Derb is outraged to find that the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy meets in a living room with pink walls? "Which Queer-Eyed Bastard did your house," he growled.

9. "750 bucks a person and they don't even use real 'Cheez Whiz' on the Ritz Crackers."

10. "That wasn't the Chinese National anthem... that was Nell Carter singing 'Ain't Misbehavin'... you guys are the worst charade players ever.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Donkey Teeth

1. "Ah'm crazy volleyball head. Gimme some o' dat crazy candy!!"

2. "Ah, Wilson, even when the others have abandoned me, you'll still vote for me."

3. "And. My. Visit. To. The. Brain. Slug. Planet. Was. Uneventful."

4. "I greatly enjoy this ... volley... ball ... and many other of the recreational activities enjoyed by you common folk."

5. "What do you say, European allies, shall I return the spike? I am nothing without your guidance."

6. "Well, Number 5, let this be a lesson to what happens to little fishies who try to swim out of the net."

7. There were at least three things wrong with John Forbes Kerry's "Karl Malone" impression.

8. And then, Kerry saved planet Earth from the Brain Balls by discovering they had no immunity to Botox.

9. "I am smarter than George W. Bush. I am so intelligent, I have an adjunct brain attached to my forehead to hold my mighty intellect."

10. "All Hail John Kerry, he of the might Adjunct Brain," Dan Rather began his nightly newscast.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

When Teddies Attack

1. "Oh my g-d, it's rabid. Get it off me! Get it off me!"

2. "This teddy bear reminds me of when I was in Vietnam with Radar O'Reilly... best damn company clerk we ever had... committed a lot of atrocities, though."

3. "What is that Magic Teddy Bear? I should make phony National Guard memos and send them to CBS News? But that would be wrong, Magic Teddy Bear..."

4. Unbeknownst to John Kerry, the Vermont Teddy Bear from Hillary was possessed by the spirit of Chuckie.

5. (Sign on the left) "Banger Go Home!" What the hell does that mean?"

6. "No, this is a real bear. Dan Rather said so."

7. He's been like this ever since the Swiftboat Vet Ads came out.

8. "Thanks very much," said Kerry, blowing his nose on the bear and handing it back.

9. If Fox were CBS News, this would be presented as photographic evidence that John Kerry was having an affair with Snuggle.

10. "Next time you want to cuddle a bear..." began Andrew Sullivan's email to John Kerry.

Go, Speed Racer, Go, Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer. Go-o-o-o-o!

1. "Oh, God, I never should have had washed down that giant "Prune Smoothie" with a Dr. Pepper Big Gulp.

2. More signs of disarray at the Kerry Campaign, the sound guy was supposed to play the theme from "Rocky" when Kerry charged the stage, but instead played "It's Raining Men." The American Conference of Catholic Bishops, however, took no notice.

3. We've swapped John Kerry's usual botox injection with pure crystal methamphetamine. Let's see if he notices.

4. "Round and round the mulberry bush/The weasel chased the cow-boy..."

5. "Oh, my God, Tuhrayzuh's about to open her mouth again," Fortunately, Kerry's flying tackle prevented yet another gaffe.


7. Kerry's Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder kicks in, and once again, he's back on the slopes of Sun Valley, and that "Charlie" Secret Service Man is about to trip him again. Will the anguish never end?

8. Kerry and Edwards have been so close for so long that Kerry has developed a Pavlovian response to the sound of an ambulance siren.

9. "Hello... Cleveland!" Kerry yelled once again, although it was increasingly clear he and his aides would never find the stage.

10. John Kerry, Lord of the Dance!

Theresa Heinz Antoinette: "Let them go naked"

"Clothing is wonderful, but let them go naked for a while, at least the kids," said Heinz Kerry, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry

1. "Oh, yes... yes... let the children go naked," an enthusiastic Michael Jackson realizes he has found his candidate.

2. Given the fondess of the Deep South for Krispy Kremes and Deep-Fried everything, the image of naked Alabamians is not one anyone should want to carry around with them.

3. "You idiots!" Theresa fumed. "How are the hurricane peasants going to be able to eat their truffles and pheasant without a good beaujolais to wash them down."

4. "Now, get back to work, or I will slap this Negro!"

5. THK oversees shipments of emergency Botox to Kerry campaign headquarters, for direct injection into the bloodstream on November 3.

6. THK meets the people. "As an African-American myself, I identify with your struggle. For example, don't you just hate it when you're trying to relax in the mountain retreat you had shipped stone-by-stone from England, and one of your idiot servants trips over the imported carpet, falls down the gold-plated staircase, and wakes you from your mud bath."

7. Knowing herself to be a very sexy sixty-something, Theresa wonders if the Negro on her left is interested in her "booty."

8. "Ah, I see the Nubians have arrived with my chundole, I will take my leave of you."

9. "We have always been very progressive-minded," Heinz-Kerry told the African-American Congress. "In fact, both the Kerry and Edwards families have been employing you people in our households for generations. Mrs. Edwards holds especially fond memories of her 'Mammy.'"

10. Theresa "Blair" Heinz-Kerry has another one of her brilliant ideas, "Instead of prison, have Martha Stewart serve community service by helping out in Alabama. She can help the hurricane peasants clean up and redecorate their hovels."

Monday, September 13, 2004

Hey, Hey, Hey!!!

Hey hey hey! It's Fat Albert, and I'm going to sing a song for you, and we're going to teach you a thing or two. We'll have a good time just me and all the gang. Learning from each other while we do our thing. Na na na gonna have a good time. Na na na gonna have a good time.

1. "I'm a BIG Democrat, and I want a BIG cereal..." Okay, who is this loser, and how did he find his way into the Honeycomb Hideout?

2. Fortunately, the alien creature was stopped before it finished morphing into Madeleine Albright.

3. "Oh, Lord, I should not have drank that mega-sized prune smoothie..."

4. The front row was less turned off by the speech than by "Big Al" blowing Elephant Ear chunks all over them.

5. "Okay... now just the ladies, 'I don't want her/You can have her/She's too fat for me...'"

6. The weight gain and raving semi-coherent rants against Bush were a nice start, but until Al grows a scruffy bears and dresses like a street bum, he will never be quite the Democrat godhead that Michael Moore is.

7. "It's the big one, I'm comin' Elizabeth!!"

8. That is one monster pit stain he's got goin' on there.

9. "I'll lose weight when I feel like it bitch, shut your bitch ass mouth, ho. You think you slick you punk ass blasphemous dope-fiend bitch, I had my Jimmy waxed seven times last week, I'll bust a cap in your *beep* ass *beep* head.."

10. As Al launched into his 13th straight chorus of "Achy Breaky Heart," some of the on-lookers began to feel that he had lost his mind... the rest were more concerned about the possibility of an Achy-Breaky floor.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Top Ten Forged Bush ANG Documents Suspects

1.) Dan Rather or someone else at CBS News

2.) Democrat Activist Ben Barnes (concurrent with his claim that he helped GWB get into the ANG)

3.) Karl Rove (Cackling Demonically as the ANG story is discredited once and for all.)

4.) Michael "the Hutt" Moore (after all, after you've made an entire hoax movie, what's a few forged memos?)

5.) John Kerry (Typed them using a rare Cambodian typewriter used for illegal special ops missions, before he didn't type them)

6.) Sam "Quantum Leap" Beckett, sent back in time to 1973 to change history.

7.) John Edwards (Hoping to finance his 2008 campaign with proceeds from the libel suit.)

8.) John Edward (After Lt. Col. Killian contacted him from beyond the grave.)

9.) Hillary. (Who has kind of a knack for this thing; missing records turning up at suspiciously convenient moments)

10.) Somebody who got really bored in Miss Sullivan's third period typing class.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Memo to Dan Rather

Mr. Rather.

I have followed with interest your interest in historical documents, and wish to offer the following items for your consideration. They are available at a reasonable price to be negotiated later.

1. A 1972 e-mail reprimanding then Lt. George W. Bush for playing 'Halo' on his X-Box while on-duty.

2. A 1973 Excel Spreadsheet of Nixon's Enemies List.

3. John F. Kennedy's Viagra prescription from 1960.

4. Franklin Roosevelt's Segway.

5. A polaroid photograph from 1919 of Karl Marx playing Ms Pac-Man with Gertrude Stein.

6. Stonewall Jackson's rollerblades.

7. Abraham Lincoln's weblog. (Including his Flame War with Stephen Douglas. Truly, a historical treasure.)

8. Thomas Jefferson's Outlook calendar. (Entry for April 5, 1795: "Booty Call with Sally H.")

9. The PowerPoint slides used by Benjamin Franklin at the First Continentla Congress.

1. Guttenberg's first LaserPrinter.

To confirm the authenticity of these items, I refer you to a Mrs. Umaji Kwanzaa-Ujabara, the wife of the former Finance Minister of Nigeria, and an expert in the verification of historical artifacts.

Memo to Dan Rather

Mr. Rather,

I am in possession of the following items of interest, and they are available for a nominal fee:

1. A 1972 E-mail reprimanding then Lt. Bush for playing Halo on his X-Box at a time when he was supposed to be on duty.

2. The original Excel Spreadsheet of Nixon's "Enemies List"

3. Lenin's high school book report on "Catcher in the Rye."

4. Franklin Roosevelt's Segway.

5. A polaroid photograph of Karl Marx playing Ms Pac-Man with Gertrude Stein.

6. Abraham Lincoln's weblog. (Check out the Flame War with Steven Douglas. Truly a historical treasure.)

9. Stonewall Jackson's Rollerblades(tm).

8.Thomas Jefferson's Outlook calendar. Entry for April 5, 1795. "Booty Call with Sally Hemmings."

9.The original PowerPoint slides presented by Benjamin Franklin at the First Continental Congress.

10. Guttenberg's LaserPrinter.

I realize you will need to verify the authenticity of such items. I refer you to a Mrs. Umaji Kwanzaa-Asubuhi, the wife of a former Nigerian Finance Minister, and an expert on the verification of such items.

Lileks on the Bosh Forgeries

Lileks nails it:

I think the number of people who regard the evening news as straight truth delivered by disinterested observers, can be numbered in the high dozens. Blogs haven’t toppled old media. The foundations of Old Media were rotten already. The new media came along at the right time. Put it this way: you’ve see films of old buildings detonated by precision demolitionists. First you see the puffs of smoke – then the building just hangs there for a second, even though every column that held it up has been severed. We’ve been living in that second for years, waiting for the next frame. Well, here it is. Roll tape. Down she goes.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

The Derb Quotes Me

I sent the Derb an email, that he deemed good enough to use in a Corner Posting:

"Derb---Does the way Kerry clings to his four months in Vietnam and his medals remind you of Al Bundy's obsession with playing football at Polk High and scoring four touchdowns? Just wanted to be the only person ever to compare John Kerry and Al Bundy."

Now it's been pointed out to me, I see a lot of parallels. I doubt, for example, that Teresa Heinz-Kerry is any better acquainted with the workings of a kitchen range than Peg Bundy was...
Posted at 02:24 PM

Eat My Dust, Sullivan.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Chernobyl on the Left

The Left seems to be having some sort of meltdown. I note these five Items of Interest (IOI) this morning.

1. Geraldine Ferraro compares the Swiftboat Veterans to masked Iraqi terrorists.

2. Al Franken Gets In a Shoving Match With Laura Ingraham's Producer

3. Terry MacAuliffe Rude and Defensive on Hugh Hewitt

4. Terry MacAuliffe goesinto a total rant against Zell Miller on NPR this morning. Juan Williams described MacAuliffe as "red-faced." Audio Here

5. Paul Krugman Demands "Mega-Watergate" Investigation into the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

New York Times columnist Paul Krugman says he believes the United States needs a "mega-Watergate" scandal to uncover a far-reaching right-wing conspiracy, going back forty years, to gain control of the U.S. government and roll back civil rights.