Network television news anchors Tom Brokaw (L), Dan Rather (C) and Peter Jennings look at the audience after a panel discussion during The New Yorker Festival, October 2, 2004. REUTERS/Alex Oliveira/The New Yorker
Hat tip: Frank IBC
1. "Shield your eyes... do not look directly at James Carville, it's like opening the Ark of the Covenant."
2. The three anchors had plenty of time to move out of the way of the charging Humveee, but their brains were paralyzed with hairspray.
3. It's the Truth... bright, shining, beautiful... shield your eyes look away lest we be turned into conservatives.
4. "Folks, we just don't have time for questions because Dan Rather's thorazine enema is just about to wear off and when that happens he's going to start masturbating like a deranged monkey."
5. ...But their awkward salutes did not impress the Being of Pure Light and Energy and it incinerated them.
6. "Jerry... Tom gets so drunk he can't get it up even with a Viagra-Cialis cocktail, Peter is a total skank, and Dan just likes me to hit him in the balls with a hammer and call him a 'bad, monkey-astronaut.'" TV NEWS ANCHOR GROUPIES, next on Springer.
7. "Wow, we always knew Cokie was limber, but Cheney must have glutes like Paul Hamm to hold that position."
8. "And that was the most drunk I ever got, your turn, Pete..."
9. "Dan just condemned Bush for failing to get the Castaways off Gilligan's Island. I was going to argue, but he's got a memo signed by the Skipper."
10. "So, on the topic of hummers from Barbara Walters, the votes are 1 for teeth in, 2 for teeth out."