Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry (news - web sites), D-Mass., reads questions posed to him from the Wisconsin State Journal at a town meeting at the River Valley Middle School in Spring Green, Wis., Monday, Sept. 27, 2004. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)
1. "Check out this freak with the phony orange tan in USA To... hey!"
2. "Ah, thanks... I'll be back in a minute. I have to drop off some windsurfers in the lagoon, if you know what I mean."
3. "Oh, here's a coupon for macaroni and cheese. You peasants like your macaroni and cheese, don't you?"
4. "Just scannin' the obits to see if any married billionaires bought the farm last week..."
5. "Ah, so that's who 'Batboy' is.
6. Kerry confronts a heckler. "You think I should check the want ads to see if Willy Wonka's chocolate factory is hiring? Well, all right..."
7. "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..." Kerry begins to think that Tuhrayzuh sent the wrong letter to the editor.
8. "These personals ads always crack me up. Listen to this one, 'African-American female, sexy sixty-something, caught in loveless marriage with feckless gigolo, seeks a man who knows where to 'shove it.'' Really, where do they find these people?"
9. "'No MONEY DOWN?' Why he must crazy to sell new cars at these prices. Oh, wait, according to this other part of the ad, he is. Anyway, sorry for the distraction, I'll continue reading from the Unabomber's manifesto."
10. "All right, bring out the teenage neo-nazi strippers who hate their lesbian parents..." How in Hell did Springer talk me into guest-hosting his show...