Friday, August 28, 2015

Me Love You Long Time, Mrs First Lady

1. "Such perky young breasts, would you like to come back to my $600,000 a night, taxpayer-funded luxury hotel suite?"
2. "Mrs. Obama... is that a roll of Lifesavers in your pocket?"
3.In a second, Sigourney Weaver is going to burst in in her underwear yelling "Get away from her, you bitch."
4. "Don't you turn your back on me you... Burnt-Sienna-Faced Whore."
5. "Our safe word is 'Eatin' Shovel.'"

Take a Memo, Miss Jones


Wednesday, August 26, 2015

What Is It with Detroit and Satanists Lately?


1. The new Dairy Council ad campaign has taken an odd turn.

2. Ever since the osteoporosis kicked in, Satan has no longer been so keen on blood sacrifices.

3. "I warned you this was going to bring all the boys to the yard, Debby!"

4. The Support Group for Patriotic Goths who mistake their Girlfriends for Bowls of Product 19 will now come to order.

5. Wisconsin baptism.

Monday, August 24, 2015

America's First Family of Resting Bitch Face.



1. "M'Chel, it's one thing to stink up Marine One with those gawdawful farts, it's another to look so damn smug about it."

2. "Well, that's done. One more of these stupid 'family vacations,' then we can get a divorce and I'll spend every summer on Fire Island with Reggie Love."

3. "For the last time, Malaria, Marine One can carry all of our luggage or M'Chel's fat ass. It cannot haul both simultaneously."

4. "You see, dogs are unclean animals, so I had to throw Bo out of the helicopter over the Atlantic."

5. "I know your mom has biceps like JJ Watts. Why do you think I married her?"

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Classy Life (Open Thread)



Threadwinner Dactyl
Day 12: they continue to believe that I am merely a throw pillow...

Best of Double the U
And still his chances are zero in five.

Best of Best of
Something, something about Hilary intern tryouts...

Best of metalgarth
And if Jared had just spent his money *this* way...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The World's Greatest Hypnotist has an awesome home life.

Best of Dr. Doom
Meanwhile at Ashley Madison Headquarters...

Best of jimmy
Quarterly meetings at the Clinton Global Initiative headquarters are pretty much what you'd expect.

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Yeah, they said, 'Who makes any dough as a Blogger, they said; 'What kind of dumb name is 'Ace Of Spades HQ, they said; Bloggers are a bunch of hairy loners that live in Mom's basement, they said; well, got me on the 'hairy' part! Right, ladies?"

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Orange is the New Hack



1. I make the exact same face when I meet people who support Jeb Bush.

2. "It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown! Oh, no, wait it's just a corrupt hag in an orange pantsuit."

3. "How the hell should I know what happened in Benghazi? That was the night I got blind, stinking drunk at Huma's 9-11 Party and passed out on the toilet."

4. Hillary is asked how America can afford all the entitlements she is promising.

5. Finally, when asked how big her ass is, Hillary gives an honest answer.

Best of Greg
Would you like paper or plastic, Ma'am?

Best of Greg
"That Libyan ambassador...what was his name?"

Best of Greg
"Yes, on a personal note, do you have advice on how to keep my husband from roaming?"

Best of Greg
"How do you say 'reset' in Russian?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"What difference at this point does my campaign make?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Mrs. Clinton, how do you answer the undeniable and overwhelming evidence that you knowingly kept classified information on your unprotected server?"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

Best of Rodney Dill
"No, I don't know who paid Stewie to follow Chris Christie around with a tuba."

Best of Submariner
"Chris Matthews, MSSNBC; Lemme toss you a softball, Mrs. C - What was your biggest achievement as Secretary of State?"

Best of Submariner
"WHEEEEEERRRREEEE'S the beef?"