Wednesday, April 16, 2014

White Trash

1. "You're trash, girl. Nothing but trash!" Lisa's father's words echoed in her mind as she pondered her ironic predicament.

2. Finding a good spot to sunbathe in New Jersey can be a challenge.

3.  Oscar the Grouch paid well for whores who indulged his peculiar fetish.

4. Trash pick-up day at the Clinton Memorial Library.

5. The first human-dog cloning ran into some... challenges.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Master Race Baiters


1. "Why ain't all the White People dead yet?"

2. "Triple whip out on three!"

3."Anal Easter Egg Hunt? Dudes, I am SO in."

Have Your Eye Bleach Ready

1. Shallow Hal checks out Madonna.

2. By 2017, Miley Cyrus's hard living had caught up to her in a big way.

3. Not everyone can afford Eliot Spitzer's level of hooker.

Yeah, Bitches

Monday, April 14, 2014

My Precious-s-s-s-s-s

1. Cankles responds to a sudden, horrible flashback of the time she felt the loving touch of a man.

2. "I'm melting! What a world! What a world!"

3. "And then I crush the testicles between my palms, like so..."

4. "Um, your Marty Feldman isn't too badd, Mrs. Clinton; but you're auditioning for the role of Frau Blucher."

5. Shallow Hal was a little surprised to see absolutely no difference in Hillary before and after the spell.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Obama Saves the World from the Sight of M'Chel's Mudflats

Junk in the Trunk

1. The last thing Tanya remembered was Hillary handing her a glass of water with a funny chemical taste, then, the room got swirly.

2. Once she realized the trunk was actually larger than her Manhattan apartment, it was just a matter of Feng Shui. 
3. The new, edgier Chevy Volt ads did nothing to increase the vehicle's appeal to consumers, but did well in the deranged-Transsexual-woman-suit-owners demo.

4. It's never to early to begin practicing for the Easter Egg hunt.

5.  "Hop in the back, miss. We can take you as far as Hooker Valley."

It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin

Headline: Overflow crowd shows support for East Texas transgender teacher.

I defy you to get Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" out of your head.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Getting Microcellular

1. "Yes, I see it. The last tiny remnant of American Capitalism. Hand me the Lysol."

2. "Yes, Mr. President, there are millions of parasites in this sample. We'll get them registered as Democrats right away."

3. "Nope, I still can't detect any signs of morality or basic human decency in your blood sample; I'll increase magnification to 5000."

4. "Mein Fuhrer, if we break up the R-phase protein between gene links 12 and 143 this bacteria could wipe out the white race in a matter of weeks!"

5. "Sorry, Mr. President. This 'Primo Blow' Mr. Love procured for you is just laundry detergent." 

Best of Double the U
    Ahhh yes! The economic growth and positive job numbers... I see them now.

Best of Best of
    Nope, not a shred of human decency.

Best of Whacko
    "Hey, can you take a selfie with that thing?"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "What?? It's a microdot of my transcripts???"

Best of Submariner
    "...absolutely, positively a piece of Dawn's exploded cranium. What did you do just before it landed in your lap, Mr. President?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Hmm lets see... stuffed butt... factor in nights at Man Country... multiply by 'negotiation sessions' with Putin... carry the seven... got it," calculated Dr. Lee, "By the end of your term, you will need a butt closure the size of a manhole cover, Mr. President..."

Best of jimmy
    At least Kim Jung-Un actually holds things or flips switches in his staged photo ops, and of course Vlad Putin hops on a horse and takes off his shirt. This one can't even be bothered to feign interest beyond a vacant stare.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Mr. President! My eyes are over here!

Best of Submariner
    "...No...Not there either...Huh-uh. Sorry Mr. Obama but the results are absolutely conclusive: the only "real black" in you has been your Man Country partners..."