Day job has been killing it lately.
Saturday, August 01, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
1. "Yeah, I sort of have to endorse Hillary, but come 2017 this whole place is gonna be a radioactive crater, so no big loss."
2. "I know, Joe, I hate this shithole country, too."
3. "FFS, Joe, she's my daughter and she's 14 years old."
4. "It's OK, Joe, it happens to all men sometimes."
5. "You know what always cheers me up? A good old-fashioned quaalude enema. I'll call Reggie."
Sunday, July 26, 2015
1. And then, Rachel Dolezal's weave became a proto-sentient life form.
2. "Madame, I realize your massive weave is an attempt to draw attention from your enormous ass. It has failed."
3. All her secrets. Everything she's ever done that she wants to forget. Every silent fart she's ever had. It’s all in her hair. That and billions and billions of tiny bugs.
4. What if all the weaves are actually alien parasites programming people to vote Democrat so that all of the planet's defenses are eliminated, and this is their queen?
5. I don't even wanna know if the carpet matches the drapes.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
1. Tom Cruise is not as incognito as he had hoped.
2. Miley Cyrus is like, what, maybe six months from this?
3. If you want to get gonorrhea, AIDS, and salmonella at the same time, I know someone you've just *got* to meet.
4. The original 1970's Dr. Who had a much more limited budget for alien costumes.
5. Still, less creepy than the Colonel Sanders in the new KFC campaign.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
1. Beta male or Rachel Maddow at home? You tell me.
2. This would be creepy even if he weren't panting.
3. "Yeah, you like the taste of daddy's nipple ring, don't you?"
4. Well, this is guaranteed lifetime employment for a family therapist.
5. "No, honey. Boys don't like teeth. Ease off! Ease off!"