Wednesday, October 19, 2016

It Takes a Village

1. Chelsea reads to Charlotte about Grandma's "Special Friend" Janet Reno.

2. "And then, Big Sister's connections got her a $600,000 no-show job at NBC News."

3. "And then, Big Sister took in a $25 Million 'donation' from a Russian company and, by total coincidence, let them take over America's uranium supply two days later."

4. "You can read the story, just don't ever let grandma hold me again. Last time, the shaking was so bad I thought she was going Casey Anthony on me."

5. "What the hell is Lena Dunham doing? Mom, this book is f--king sick!"

6. "Come on, mom. Just sound out the words. You can do this."

Monday, October 17, 2016

I'm Back, Baby

I needed that week off more than you can imagine.

1. "Sarah, you know it's bad luck for Mr. Broderick to see you before the wedding."

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Challenge Accepted

1. The 'I'm With Hillary' sticker is pretty much redundant.

2. So, what is the guy in hat at left looking at that's more astonishing than the waddling abomination in front of him.

3.  Your gender? I'm not even going to assume your species.

4. When people look back the second decade of the 21st Century, this is what they're going to remember: Fat, manless women with bad dye-jobs. They're like hippies in the 1960's or the Global Influenza Pandemic of the 1910's.

5. "You may, however, assume that I will Supersize my Hardee's order."

Best of Dr. Doom
It would probably require some sort of hermaphrodite alien transformer to assume your gender sweetheart...


Best of GregMan
I wouldn't want to assume her college debt, either...


Best of dadoctah
Gender? You have a gender? !


Best of Rodney Dill
OMG, Machado really did blimp up.


Best of George C. Papoon
Embedded ORA: Assume gender ? A veritable planetoid like that, I assume she has her own weather system.


Best of Adriane
Asexual Joker - a Batman villan for the new millennium!!!!


Best of metalgarth
What exactly is Wynona Judd going for these days?


Best of metalgarth
ORA: If there's ever a live action Futurama movie, we know who can play Horrible Gelatinous Blob


Best of jorgen
Even if another whale with green hair existed, it would not be interested in her gender.


Best of Kaptain Krude
On the back of his/her/its shirt (printed in *very* large letters):

John Edwards is Good.


Best of Kaptain Krude
I'm almost afraid to ask what I can assume?


Best of metalgarth
I'm almost afraid to ask what I can assume?
You can assume that if you throw a Twinkie her way she'll snag it in mid air


Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon!


Best of Russ of Oregon
And you'll need to dust it with flour to find out.

Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Dmitri Martin? The Prime Minister of Canada? Balki? Pajama Boy? Who the hell is is this?

1. Given recent changes in Army policy, getting a Section 8 discharge is now almost impossible.

2. America's masculinity? It must have gotten lost somewhere with Obama's college transcripts and Hillary's emails.

3. Justin Trudeau prepares to welcome another group of refugees, all of whom are thinking, "This is going to be so easy."

4. "Oh, honey, no. You see, drag queens are supposed to be loud brassy women; not demure, garden-oriented women."

5. Martha Stewart secretly enjoyed humiliating the gardening staff.

Monday, October 03, 2016

Oh, Good, Someone Brought the Tea Towels


1. "How much for the little girls? Your women, I wish to buy them."

2. The Arabs were thrilled to be met at the airport by Bojack Horseman.

3. "Sarah Jessica Parker, you are even lovelier in person."

4. "So, two weeks after I ravaged the Saigon whorehouse, it starts to burn when I pee like you wouldn't believe."

5. "I swear, every time he tells this story, he ups the body count by a couple hundred gooks." 

Best of dadoctah
The unexpected breakout hit attraction at Disneyland Bahrain was the audioanimatronic "Great Moments with Orson Bean".

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm glad to see that spaghetti sauce stain came out of tablecloth."

Best of Best of
You must be at least this tall. OK, you can ride Secretary Kerry.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Right this way to the Clinton Foundation fundraiser gentlemen," directed Mr. Kerry.

Best of Mr Hankey
Saudis hate how they get harassed outside Walmart by the street beggars

Best of GregMan
"Can we surrender yet?"

Best of mega
"Yeah I know I came here on short notice. I just wanted to get a feel for the heat level Americans will face once I've taken away their air conditioners."