Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Do the Lurch

1. "Andrew Sullivan is quitting the blogosphere... hold me."

2. "How was I supposed to know 'colle folie' was French for 'Crazy Glue.'

3. "Je suis Bottom." 

4. "There's not a single part of my body that's a 'No-Go Zone,' if you know what I mean and I think that you do."

5.  Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi... ce soir? ♬

Monday, January 26, 2015

Hipsters in the Winter Snow

You really haven't lived until you've seen two Chris Hayes look-a-likes scratch each others eyes out for the last jar of organic chipotle quinoa.

Sunday, January 25, 2015



1. SCOAMF Thoughtbubble, "If I were married to a woman, she would look like Glozell."

2. "No, Mr. President. This is my weave. Get your own damn weave."

3. "Just between you and me, the real source of all the world's problems are the greedy Jews... Hey, we're not recording yet, are we?"

4. "Needless to say, I am way better at eating Froot Loops in the bath tub than you."

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

.... It Had a Hook In It

1. ORA: "Hercules! Hercules!"

2. Maxine Water's "wig-wrangler" stands by in case things get wild.

3. Obama pointed into the audience. "I didn't get a scream and clap like a f--king retard out of that man."

4. Maxine Waters... the congresswoman voted 'Most Likely to Drown While Standing Outside in a Rainstorm' 13 years running.

5. And then the botox kicked in and she was unable to close her mouth for a week; no one in Congress noticed.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Ohhhh ... de Camptown ladies sing dis song, doodah doodah ...

Best of The Expendable
Opening her mouth as wide as she can, and holding her hands ten inches apart, Maxine sends a not-too-subtle message to the President.

Best of Mr Hankey
Critics reactions to "Madea Goes To Congress" were mixed.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Someone's in the kitchen with Joybags

1. From the episode of 'Bewitched' where Darren finally wised up and told Sam to use her magic for breast enlargement. (This was, of course, in the Dick York era, not the Dick Sargent era.)

2. "Cooking would be so much easier if my legs weren't encased in a chainlink fence."

3. No one on Voyager could figure out why 'Fifties Suburban Hausfrau' was 7 of 9's favorite holodeck program.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Doorstep Hippie

1. "Wow! Finding an Occupy protester at home at 11AM on a weekday. What are the odds?"

2. Simultaneous thought-bubble: "You look nothing like your photos on"

3. "So, I guess in your case, #BlackLivesMatter more than, say, showers or deodorant?"

4. How Nature Says "I am worthless piece of crap."

5. "So, you say your disillusionment with society began when you were 11 years old and the Safe School Czar paid you a quarter to watch you poop."

Best of metalgarth
In alternate reality X244787, being a Jehovah's witness is a little different

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Nah, this is Smokin Weiner Rd, you want Weiner Cutoff Rd

Best of Best of
You need to know your clientele if you're gonna sell toilet pillows door to door.

Best of Rodney Dill
Seriously man, I'm Jesus, let me in.

Best of Dr. Doom
As it turns out the Metrosexual of the Month Club was not the sensational birthday present that Brian's parents were hoping for...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
(whispered) For the last time, I'm not Charles Manson's love child. Now go away... or I'll keeel you and use your throat as a Fleshlight.