Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Miss Direction

1. Andrew Sullivan does the same with his Hope and Change poster, but it is far more graphic.
2. "Oh, yeah, Niall. You be the Republican Establishment, I'll be the Conservative base. Make it rough, Niall."
3. "Well, mom said if I really want those backstage passes, I better be willing to go places other girls won't."

Monday, November 23, 2015

OK, Obvious Photoshop but Still ... No, Just No

Blame Schneider

1. And now you know why refugees have begun sewing their own mouths shut.

2. Other orifices are available for #BlackLivesMatter

3. What Shallow Hal saw at the protest.

4. Photoshop or not, a pretty succinct version of the actual Obama refugee policy.

5. Hm, must be Swedish.

Friday, November 20, 2015

"Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."

1. "I want to pour maple syrup all over and lick it off... slowly."
2. Match-dot-com scores its biggest coup ever.
3. Vladimir Putin sees this and thinks whatever the Russian word for "submissive bottom twink" is.
4. "Two hits of... um... X ... and um... I'm anybody's.... um... bitch."
5. Suddenly, the SCOAMF didn't miss Reggie Love at all.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Your Move

Moar Chess Peeces Heer

The Chappaqua HillBillies


1. "Tell purse girl to dump this load of Saudi cash in the trunk and get ready for the contribution from the Wall Street Hedge managers."

2. "Can you think of any reason we're being haunted  by the spectral figures of young Gloria Steinham and Charlie Sheen?"

3. Cut to Rod Serling: "Submitted for your approval, an aging Lothario whose insatiable lust for chubby woman is matched on by the insatiable lust for power of his harridan wife. This accused rapist and his greedy corrupt wife are the leaders of a political party that professes support for women's rights and against rapacious capitalism. You have entered, The Twilight Zone."

4. "Never mind her, she's just another personal assistant praying for the sweet release of death that will never come... [cackling laugh]."

5. "Hey, at the rate the SCOAMF is going, there may not be much left of America for you to destroy."

Monday, November 16, 2015

Time for him to Go

1. Nothing like sucking down some rich Colombian in the morning... also, this coffee isn't bad.
2. "The complete destruction of Amerikka should be complete in 5...4...3...2..."
3. "This is just decaf... who needs caffeine when you can get pure muthafruckin' crystal meth..."
4. "This coffee is cold, black, and bitter... which reminds me, where's M'Chel. She was supposed to be here ten minutes ago."
5. "Can't believe McCain kept this in his ass all the time he was in that Viet Cong prison."

Best of I am not a robot
"Eleven minutes from clothes off to walking out the front door... you're getting better Obama."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep, I can just make my tee time."

Best of Mr Hankey
According to my Fit Bit, I've only had 3 cry baby fits today in front of the media.

Best of jimmy
"Now...let's see. The big hand is on the 1-2, and the little hand is on the 1-1, so it's....oh, hell! That skinny hand is going around really fast! Is it 11:12, or....Malaria! Explain this to you daddy."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Time to pork the one I love," realized the President, "Where is Reggie anyway?"

Best of metalgarth
I should be able to get to Dick Lick Park by 5 this afternoon

Best of curly
"Thanks to my Iranian nuke deal, the Doomsday Clock should read about a half second to midnight. Allahu Akbar!"

Best of GregMan
"Cool! Who knew you could get gay p0rn on this thing?"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "I sure wish m'Chel didn't make me wear this tracking collar so prominently..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Oh, Jeez, look at the time. I've got to go perpetrate another outrage."

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Putin and the Putz

1. Putin: "So tell me, Mr. Obama. How is it that you have been bombing ISIS for over a year, and yet the French just now are bombing their headquarters?"

2. Putin: "No, Mr. Obama, you may not bum a Menthol Kool off me."

3. "No, Mr. Obama, I will not attempt to cuckold you with your wife; I prefer women."

4. "By the way, if your vice president gropes my wife in the shoulders again, I will rip off his arm and shove it up his ass."

5. "You know, Mr. Obama, this is usually the point at which I say, 'but first, you will blow me,' but after what I saw in the KGB files about your history at, how do you say, 'Man's Country,' I do not want any part of me in any part of you."

Best of John Schneider
Obama: Rolled a 20, that's a critical hit!
Putin: Gotta roll again to confirm.
Obama: OK here goes....dammit, a one! Sunovabitch!
Putin: Maybe next time you'd like to play Catan?

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
No Barry, I do not have any three's. Go Fish!

Best of GregMan
"So these two pantsuit-wearing bulldykes walk into a television studio..."

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"No, that's the deal; you sing one chorus 'Camptown Ladies' up on stage there, in front of press, with cakewalk; I stop bombing your Syrians for one week. Final offer. Take it or leave it! And I want plenty 'doo-dahs'out of you, Buckwheat!" 

Best of I am a robot
Okay, let's see if we have this all worked out, for the first twenty minutes you will give the gimp over here a shirtless back rub while I watch and watch porn. Then he will turn around and... are you writing all this down Huma?
Best of Rodney Dill
"No I'm sure it has to be Tuesday for a Royal Fizzbin."

Best of jimmy
Putin: "What is this? NO, for the last time I'm NOT going to do cocaine with you! The last time you talked me into doing lines, we ended up in a 'four-gy' with Merkel and Khadaffi."
Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Obama: "Is it Col. Mustard in the library with the lead pipe?"
Mr. Putin: "Nyet"
Best of Rodney Dill
"You'd do it for Randolph Scott."

Best of Mr Hankey
....but you were very clear Mr Obama that you would have more power after the election. So where is my NFL franchise?