Wednesday, July 23, 2014

This One Time, on the Metro...

Schneider


1. "So, is this the station where you get off?"

2. Sandra Fluke picks up another campaign "donation."

3. Calvin Klein Jeans ads are kind of starting to lose their edge.

4. And because of the prudery of some nosy Metro official, Leon later died of his snakebite.

5. Anthony Weiner still enjoys riding the subway.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Bloomers! Bloopers! Blessers! Bosoms!


1. Michael Bloomberg squirmed uncomfortably in his booster chair. "Come on. Surely one of you is willing to pull my finger."

2. "And the peasants should be forbidden from consuming any of this. Now, who's in for my cocaine party."

3. "She's the one who was in charge of refreshments. Kill her!"

4. Obamacare was finally made profitable after the Death Panel's began accepting product placement.

5. "Nothing I like better in the morning than a 20 oz bottle of soda and an old whore."

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Full Newsom


1. Reason #1 why Putin knows he can shoot down airplanes with no repercussions.

2. Brain freeze; explaining a helluva lot since 2009.

3. And suddenly the host remembered where had seen that face before: Man's Country, August 2005.

4. Obama pauses from watching the footage of the carnage in Ukraine to remark to the rest of The Situation Room, "Is it just me, or does this ice cream seem just slightly underchurned?"

5. ValJar sighed, "No, you drooling idiot, I said we should send an ICE Team to the border."

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Soultaker



1. "What did you just say young lady? My mother does what?"

2. "Goodnight Moon has nothing on this shit, I tell you what."

3. "Redrum, Redrum, Redrum..." "Oh, you kids and your made-up words."

4. Planned Parenthood wishes to remind you: This is pretty much all children. Make your appointment today. (Ask about our Margaret Sanger Special for minorities and other undesirables)

5. This rare photograph of the young Nancy Grace explains a great deal.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Make of this what you will.



Best of Best of 
    Yep, Sesame Street has progressed to its logical end stage.

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
    wait...something wrong here...Bizarro-Obama is just like real Obama!!

Best of  Double the U
I see an angry half black, half white pussy eating a dog while being held up by a wave of blue.
I can't see how that relates to anything.

Best of  Dr. Doom
"This meeting of the DNC will come to order," intoned the Chairman, er... chairperson, um... Chairthing.

Best of  dadoctah
    "Nobody puts Baby in a corner! Or feeds Baby after midnight, or gets Baby wet...."

Best of  jimmy
The Joy Behar replacement on The View seems to be a great improvement, appearance-wise, and it goes without saying he'll offer more lucid commentary.

Best of  Markus ARyanas
    "I'm at my angriest when i fart wings!!!"

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Backstage Tonight Show staffers didn't realize until it was too late - Leno wasn't just pretending to strangle the 5-second censor right before stepping through the curtains to give his farewell monologue.

SCOAMF Hanging Out with Peasants


1. "You see, what makes me a great president is how easily  segue from lavish dinners with Italian cognescenti to eating in dumps like this with stupid white crackers like you."

2. "It's nice to, um, get out of the, um, (mutter)White House and meet with the people I'm replacing with cheap, illiterate illegal immigrants."

3. The bartender couldn't stop staring at the three sixes birthmark at the back of the SCOAMF's head.

4. "Republicans refuse to implement my policy demands, so, I'm going to have their faces eaten by rats."

5. "So... I couldn't help notice that when you said grace, you thanked God for your meal and not me."

Best of  Double the U
    Three pizzas for six people? Don't let Michelle see that.

Best of  Submariner
    They don't have wang or dog on the menu?!?!
    Let's continue this conversation at another dive...

Best of  Whacko
 Mr. President, would you mind harassing some other table? We have friends that might come in and see us.

Best of  Whacko
    Mr. President, what does SCOAMF stand for?

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
 "...and so, as an example of what's in store for all legal-Americans, I am taking your pizza to feed that busload of illegal-Americans...."

Best of  Dr. Doom
"Well folks I guess you could say my administration is like a $hit pizza at a Chinese restaurant," explained the President, "You order $hit pizza you eat $hit pizza..."

Best of  dadoctah
Even after being elected, twice, to the highest office in the land, Barry still remembers what it was like not to be allowed to eat lunch at the cool-kids table.

Best of  curly
    "Do you guys, have any, um, weed?"

Best of  Dr. Doom
"So your healthcare policy was cancelled, and you lost your job, and you are worried about your son in Afghanistan, and your energy bills have gone through the roof..." recited the President, "Can't you people whine about anything on the agenda? This is a Climate Change Photo Op people - my vacation was supposed to start 15 minutes ago. Chop chop - lets go..."

Best of  Mr Hankey
"And to conclude this death panel meeting, I think that those of you eating the Meat Lovers Pizza will not receive treatment, while the Veggie eaters get whatever they need...except for lard-ass sitting at the end of course."

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
"...and M'Chel wants to give each of you a talking shopping cart! It will keep you company when my policies make you homeless."

Best of  Steve O
Before we begin, I would like to take a moment to recognize that a plane has crashed and to say that it might be tragedy. We don't know. We're trying to determine if anyone important was on board. That's our first priority. Our second priority to say, Susan that is a really nice blouse!